Life is Hard

Well last week I was off for a few days and I thought I would be able to blog anyway although my computer went down just as I was trying to write something. Isn’t that the way it usually goes?  Here is an article to also read about mental illness I think it is interesting.  Why do I say life is hard when I now use positive thinking? If I say that than what I go through now is not as tough as some of the stuff I went through just to make it.  Whenever I am walking in the cold all I have to remember is the time I was at the state hospital and I had to walk in a blizzard to and A.A. meeting just so I could get released from the state hospital.
It was cold and I was frozen but I did it. I prove I would do anything for my freedom. Life is a lot easier than my past although that does not mean everything is roses. I have bad days where everything goes wrong.  I know that those days will pass and everything will turn out OK.  It’s not very easy believing that it will turn out right when it looks like your world has turned upside down.  Just like when I was at the state hospital you take every day on its own and plug through until it changes and it does sooner or later.  You just have to keep trying until you find the answer.  It is easier said than done.  My computer was acting up as I am trying to write this blog.  I went to another computer and the same thing.
The only way I was able to fix it was to rewrite and that is not right when you have what you want to say and then you cannot write it because you’re having problems with the word program.  Although I found a solution and now I am back to writing this blog and it seems to be going better.  What I am trying to say is that there is always an answer to all problems you just have to keep tinkering to you find the right solution. As I wrote two weeks ago it is called being resilient.  We all have that and can use it.  We all been through a lot and came out better people for it.  I know when I walk in the cold now it is not as bad as when I was at the state hospital.  I just remember that night and I can do anything.
This illness does rob you of who you were before although I think it gives back a better person who has to realize that they have to take a different road than the one they were on.

Recovery with Understanding

I felt this blah feeling inside as if loneliness was a door to door salesman without any commodities. I realized being a mental health consumer, you have to find your niche, or a special group of people who understand, and don’t think about having an illness; that is, carrying the weight of being mentally ill, or being different. We are a different breed of people as I see it, many of us are loners, many cannot find themselves out of the rut of chemical dependency, others still try to live their lives as a family unit, having become married or being single parents. The wondering has begun and I am curious about what am I suppose to be doing? Writing a blog, cleaning my apartment, socializing with strangers on the bus route, going where there are other strangers who are wondering life about the same as I.
Recovery is a small part of the reclamation of life. It is defined very well, yet I must leave the room where I have had my psychotherapeutic sessions, I must take the medications to maintain my stability and pull myself together as many mental health consumers do and try to carry on with my life. What is Recovery? “Recovery in mental health is different than recovery of physical health”. Recovery in mental health means staying in control of your life even though you may be experiencing mental health issues. http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-information/mental-health-a-z/R/recovery/
Putting recovery in action means, you are focusing on caring, support and building a friendship with people who are facing similar mental health problems. There really is no one definition to Mental Health Recovery but there is a guiding light and that is hope, working towards what is possible to rebuild a meaningful life in spite of being mentally ill. Recovery is a principle of spirituality, belief, commitment and support.
As I sit alone, I think that I must go beyond existing; I must set new goals and develop new relationships which will influence and change my life as well as others. I must always be in search of a newer meaning of life in order to accomplish something new. Someone once told me that, I may carry my illness for the rest of my life and thought I might not control what may be the signs of the disease of illness, yet I can have control over my life. There may be limits, but we can look beyond those boundaries to help others and help ourselves to recognize our goals and dreams. We are traveling into the realm of self recognition and with what we experience we also grow.
Written by Donald S.

Counter Punch the Movie and Recovery

I rented this move called counter punch about boxing and mental illness.  I did not know that it dealt with mental illness when I rented it.  Whenever a movie has a Hispanic actor such as this one did with Danny Trejo I rent or buy it.  They usually act in good movies. This one dealt with a Cuban young man and his young life going to a mental hospital.  It dealt with family his grandma and his uncle.  They would do anything in their power to help this young man succeed in life.  It dealt with boxing and life on the streets and how his mental illness affected him.
It brought up memories for me of my own two uncles one which died of alcohol and the other who died of a heroin overdose the one drug he made sure I stayed away from.  I often wonder if people in the back of their minds do not know how they are going to die and try and save someone else.  Heroin can ruin your life and no one grows up wanting to be a heroin addict.  My uncles always did anything I asked for and would help me out of jams I would get myself into.  No matter what it meant if it ruined their lives.
When I was in psychosis in the state hospital I called and was lucky enough to talk to my uncle who died of a heroin overdose two year later.  He told me not to worry; don’t they always get me out of jams?  I knew they could not get me out this time although it gave me hope.  Also the courage to know I had to do it on my own this time.  I had to make it not for anybody but myself.  If they loved me that much then it was time I loved myself.  I was always in trouble before the state hospital.  My mom prayed to God that if you could do it for others you can do it for my son.
My life is different due to the fact that I do not drink or do drugs.  It is like night and day.  That alcohol turned me into a doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde. I do not miss the drinking nor do I crave it.  All I have to see is what I was and what I have now.  My grandkids and my daughter I am grateful for and the rest of my family that stood by me even when they told them to let me sink or swim on my own.  The movie dealt with family and that is what hit home for me.  Boxing was all he had to succeed.
Life is full of ups and downs and we all get in situations that we think we cannot make it through.  We can find the strength to carry on and succeed.  Sometimes you have to pull all your experience and all that you have to get over that hump and you will.  The movie shows that recovery is possible.  He had a counselor that he could relate to and I believe that really helps a lot.  I think more movies where they show the true life of a person with a mental illness and have them succeeding will do a lot to get rid of stigma.  Always have hope of  a brighter day because it will come.

Life Changes

Last week I wrote a blog about how I do not understand depression. I would like to clarify that statement. I know people have depression, although for me with all I have been through it is hard for me to get depressed. I have been told when I was at the State Hospital that I looked depressed some days. It did not last though because I had to always have known that someday that I would finally get out. It took forever though. I think what keeps me going though is hope and the knowledge that nothing last forever. I know that no matter what the situation is it will get better. I was once sentenced illegally to nine years in prison. I should have been allowed an appeal bond. That is where I first became mentally ill. I was thinking about that situation the other day. That Judge taught me a big lesson. I will not ever put myself in that situation again. I do not believe she meant for me to become mentally ill. After that I went to the State Hospital, because I was mentally ill. That was hard time and a very depressing place. The reason I say it was hard time is because you have a lot freedom that you would not have in prison. You wear street clothes, go for walks and you can even buy regular food from their restaurant. I would have rather did my time in prison. Because even though you had freedom you could not leave. Another reason it was so hard was when you did go for walks. You met people who would only be there for a week or a little longer. I had to stay a lot longer than that. I’ve been through so much that I know after a while it will change.

Life

It is not too bad living this life. Even when you are having a bad day and life keeps throwing more bad stuff at you. I had one yesterday, I will not go into details of everything that went wrong. It just seemed that I had to work twice as hard to do regular duties. I almost canceled my hair appointment after work. It was too close to the appointment time and I could not do that to my brother. After all he cuts my hair for free. I thought I will go to my appointment, and then go home and relax. I still had bad luck on the bus home. I said maybe I should have just stayed at home today. I went home finally and thought, life is not that bad after all. I have a lot to be thankful for. I do not have bad days that often. In fact this is a first. I probably made it worse by thinking about all day. I have beautiful and good grandchildren. I have a good job. There is a lot to be thankful for when things are going bad. I am a paranoid schizophrenic. I am usually upbeat, so it is hard for me to understand otherwise. That is why I do not understand depression or when others do not bounce back like I do. I always just change my outlook to the better when I feel down. I try to look at how others are affected when the same things happen to them. I know it is hard sometimes, although I feel it cannot be bad forever. There is always tomorrow!

Take a Walk Alone

I walked into a mental health clinic 24 years ago. I was literally a homeless, struggling, drug abusing, drunken tramp. I came from a decent home life as best as parents could provide, yet my eyes were blinded as my belly empty to the world beyond high school friendships and books. I was unseasoned to my own ideas and the ideologies of others more grown and seasoned to life.

I went into treatment disgusted, angry and unbelieving anybody could help me see the truth of living again. I was 34 years old then with beliefs that only God could keep me surviving and that materiality was a matter for the greedy and inane. I reached my 55th birthday quietly, while I held back a tear. Somebody likes me!

I have seen myself without home or job, without friends, without sanity, only a partiality of it; yet what makes me smile inside, is the psychiatrist who asked me, “for what reasons are my states in life”, or the case manager who says, “you can plan your life without fear with drink or drugs”. I have seen myself change, mentally and materially because I overcame my weakness of being weak, through posture of identity, lacking the foolishness of make believe. This is a reality of Outcomes in Recovery where there can be no disbelief if you care to live believing you can be free of your mental burdens, through understanding your identity and what you want to become free of. Does anyone ever really walk alone?