How does a Mental illness start?

Some of you’s probably heard my story here it is for those that have not.  It was nineteen eighty seven and I was in prison waiting for my appeal to happen.  I knew I would get out once my appeal was finished.  The reason was the Judge did not give me the law and everyone has a right to the law.  She wanted me to do time that is why she did not give me an appeal bond.  The appeal lasted two years.  That was on my mind also so was they had just moved be to east wing in the prison I did not want to go.  I know they had more freedom and wore street clothes but all that did not matter to me.  I had my friends in south wing and I was happy as far as being in prison goes.  I and a friend ran a gambling house it was just for fun for me.  It passed time and I did not lose any money.

I took the gambling house to east wing with me.  I had other problems going on at the same time a guy that I later found out I had just met a couple of times was going on the outside saying I was a snitch and that is something a person did not want going on. I had finished an accounting course and was now taking computer programing there.  I raised the limit on my gambling house and a guard I knew wrote me up.  I later found out he did it to save me he thought so I did not get hurt although at the time I was angry that he wrote me up. In computer class I had just been made a teacher assistant because I had finished my work early.
All this was going on and I went to the hearing for gambling and lost of course. They gave me three days in solitary and start all over from the lowest wing.  Well I went to the hole very angry and that is the last thing I remember because next thing I was on another wing and was mentally ill.  Although I did not know it at the time that I was mentally ill. Also did not know where I was at first or anything.  The next thing I knew I was cutting myself with a razor. I told the guard on duty what I had done cutting myself.  He next put me in a cell where they watch you and the next morning I was taken to the infirmary at Canon city.
A psychiatrist talked to me and at first thought I was mentally ill although he later changed his mind and just thought I was sleep deprived. He put me on Halcion sleeping medication although I did not start this medication until one night before Christmas. The psychiatrist came on seen me when I was better and asked where I would like to go for the rest of my time. I had been watching the inmates there and said right there behind the walls even though I could have gone back my friends all stuck by me there.  Although I had changed I was not the same person and will never be.  I changed with the mental illness.  I went back to the infirmary once more and that is when they started watching that I took my sleeping medicine.
My counselor at the time told me she was not going to recommend parole when I came up for it because she said I was a danger to myself and others.  I did not know what she meant at the time.  I knew they could not hold me once my appeal came through so I was not worried.  I wish now that at the time she would have explained it to me.  She was from Pueblo so she knew about mental illness.  I finally received a job there in the library and won my appeal six months later.  I did not know that I had a mental illness.  I will talk about the streets and how I became mentally ill the second time next week.  I sort of had a mental illness in the county waiting for my appeal bond although I had friends that took care of me there.

Paranoia

I have always had an untrusting nature, generally of the human species. I just cannot find any other word except fear. This is probably because of the drugs and alcohol I have consumed, the damage was evident, I thought I lived in a world of paranoia. If I had learned earlier that simple fear which is not to be taken lightly or suspicion, because of my experiences were only compounded fears, I would not have understood paranoia, which bound me to the world of fear, I sometimes live within.

There are three different instances of Paranoia. 1. Paranoid Personality Disorder, 2. Delusional (Paranoid) Disorder and 3. Paranoid Schizophrenic. People diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia have often times very strange hallucinations or delusions; they may hear voices when other people do not or believe their thoughts are being controlled. Other people with lesser diagnoses of paranoia or its disorders may have delusions of being persecuted or jealousy. These people can function in society and they act with reverence according to their belief, in all, they act and think with an orderly demeanor, yet the person with paranoid schizophrenia, cannot think with righteousness and is constantly confused.

There are states of mind which are treatable with medications, such as with an antipsychotic drug. Yet, the abuse from drugs can lead to certain types of paranoid thinking and behaviors. Stress is thought to be a cause of paranoia, amongst the poor, the rich, military personnel and others living or working in a stressful environment. Some of these people acquire “acute paranoia”, which doesn’t last very long, yet the thought exist that genetics, a brain abnormality or some sort of processing problem of thought can lead a person into paranoia and in any instance stress can be the main factor of someone suffering from this illness called paranoia.

Written by Donald Sammons

Excerpts from Paranoia – THE WORD

Paranoid Schizophrenic

This is the next part of an earlier blog from last week. I was released from prison and went to court. I made a deal where I would be completely free, no probation, or parole. I then entered a computer class that taught computers, confidence skills and faster typing. It was a fast paced program and they let me in even though I could not type. The stress to succeed and not go back to prison was on my mind. I knew after a while I could not succeed in this computer class. I became paranoid again. I started drinking again and committed a crime. I was sentenced to one day to life in the State Hospital. I later found out that means you are committed until they find you sane and you get an unconditional release. The day I was sentenced I called my lawyer bad names. After I became sane on the medicine, I looked for him to thank him. He did the best thing that ever happened in my life, to this day I have not found him to say thank you. While in the hospital as soon as they started giving me medicine, I started asking for one that would not make me shake. I had a dream already forming of working on computers and knew I could not shake in order to type. The doctor there tried two to three different ones and was giving up. I asked him to try one more time and he found an old medicine called Moban and a side effect medicine called Kemidrin. They worked for me, with no shaking and I could work on my dream. I was told I would have to be at the hospital a minimum of five years. I never forgot the outside world; I kept talking about it to everyone. There were people who had been in the hospital ten years. I did not want to be like that. Also while I was there a young man committed suicide. I have since met his dad and we are friends. It was not a good place to be at. A case manager that worked there asked what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I told her I wanted to learn computers. She introduced me to someone in Vocational Rehabilitation. He let me learn word perfect and do some of his work on his computer. The rest of the day I was going to school for math and they had an apple computer. On this computer they had a program called typing tutor. I started learning to type everyday until I reached 40 words per minute. One of the teachers there helped me get all the necessary documents together to start college. On a week long pass in March of 1993 I signed up for college to start in the fall. I was released from the hospital that June. If you want to know what happen after that look at an earlier blog titled My Recovery. Next week I will write about why I choose medicine.

Paranoid Schizophrenic

I’m going to write about how I became a Paranoid Schizophrenic. It was in 1987, and I was in prison for a case that I eventually won on appeal. I should have never been in prison as the case should have been a misdemeanor. At the time all of this happened, I believe the combination of all these problems, plus stress brought on the mental distress. Including being locked up unjustly. It was on my mind as well as a couple of other problems. Besides those problems, they moved me from one section of the prison to another. I did not want to go to the other section, even though it was supposed to be better. In this other wing of the prison, I do tell a friend about the problems I am going through. I had also just finished an accounting program and received a diploma. I was now taking basic programming language on the computer and was a teaching assistant. I was gambling at nights, and was written up for gambling. I was sentenced to ten days in the hole and would have to start all the way back, and work my way up to the wing I wanted to be in. I was a very angry person going into the hole. I went to sleep that night and the next thing I knew I was on another tier and was a paranoid schizophrenic. Although I did not know it at the time that I was. I know everybody who goes to the hole would like to blackout the days. It was not a good experience for me. I did not comprehend what was going on with me. I ended up taking apart my razor and cutting my wrist with the blade. My friends were trying to stick by me, although I did not understand what I was going through. Nobody knew I had cut my wrist, until I told them. They put me in a cell with cameras and a regular doctor; I knew came by and looked in at me. I did not speak to him even though I knew him. The next morning they took me to their hospital in Canon City. There a psychiatrist talked to me and was going to put me in a cell by myself. He changed his mind and also changed his decision about putting me on medicine, except for halcyon to sleep. He came back to talk to me about a week later and asked where I wanted to finish my time. I did not want to go back to the prison I came from even though my friends would have stuck by me. I was too humiliated by the experience. In the hospital there I had watched inmates come and go. I told him I wanted to stay there. They brought all my belongings, and I stayed there for six more months until I won my appeal. While I was there, I had a case manager who kept telling me, she was going to deny me parole. She said I was a danger to myself and to others. I did not know at the time what she meant. She never explained it and I did not believe it. I did know because of my appeal they could not hold me. I will write more of what happened after I left and about medication next week.