Recovery

Well this week we will start a new year.  This last was not too bad for me a lot of changes happened some for the good some for the bad.  Although, I have hope for the next year because I am making changes to have a better New Year and life not that this life is all that bad.  It is not a new year’s resolution as I have already made these changes in this year just going to continue them.  Problems can be solved there is always a way to make the adjustments needed to continue living an alright life.  I know personally problems come up and it seems like it is the end of everything.  What also pops up is a solution it is not always the right one although it works to solve the problem.

Hope is the key word I will not keep on saying that my life was always bad.  Although getting out of the state hospital and not having my daughter right away in my life was the greatest loss ever.  I lived through it and when I did get her back in my life I forgot the years that she was away.  It was different getting to know her and adjusting to the new changes in my life.  It is worth it now I have three grandchildren and that helps in life very much.  What I am saying is that hope does work and it seems hard plugging through but life does soon get better.  Whenever I get a chance I wonder what brought on this mental illness.  Since I was fifteen I drank more that the average person.
I though getting high was all that life was about.  Mental illness and cocaine are so similar. I do believe that drug caused my mental illness and it also messed up my life my making me lose my money and everything I owned.  I was asked when I was at the state hospital I was asked what the mental illness is like, “I said racing thoughts just like cocaine.”  Paranoia was also there but unlike cocaine you did not come down it stayed with you. I had quit cocaine before my mental illness but it was back and I thought it was cocaine in the food at the state hospital that was one of my delusions.  I am glad all that is over.  People do not understand what drugs like cocaine and heroin do to a person.
I have known people that had a pretty good life before they started messing with those drugs and all they became is junkies not a good life for no one. I am glad that I do not get drunk anymore and glad that life is better and wonder why it did not turn out better when I got high than it was always why is this happening.  Life is still full of ups and downs but I do not tear off my medals and wish for a better life of getting high.  I enjoy my grandkids and it is better than all that anger I had before.  So the changes I have to make to lose weight do not seem all that bad as things could have been worse for me.  I could have ended up in prison for life.  Also I bet my good friend is still in the state hospital or dead as he was already older than me when I knew him.  He did not want to give up his weed to change and get out of there.  Well just hope the new year turns out great for everybody.

Spotlighting Dopamine to Probe Alcohol Addiction

That is the title of this article I am writing about. “A new technology called optogenetics is helping researchers gain a better understanding of the neurochemical basis of addiction.  Optogenetics allows researchers to control the activity of specific populations of brain cells, or neurons using light.  Amazingly, we have pond scum to thank for the new technique; the method was devised to understand how the tiny green algae that give pond scum its distinctive color detect and use light to grow.  The technology allowed Evgeny A. Budygin, Ph.D., an assistant professor of neurobiology and anatomy at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center, to address critical questions regarding the roles of dopamine in alcohol drinking-related behaviors.  Well it is nice to see that technology can be used in different ways.  To be able to use it in alcohol addiction to find and help people who may have a problem drinking.

How will the use this technology? “With this technique, we’ve basically taken control of specific populations of dopamine cells, using light to make them respond almost like flipping a light switch, said Budygin.  These data provide us with concrete direction about what kind of patterns of dopamine cell activation might be most effective to target alcohol drinking, The latest study for Budygin and his team has been published in the journal Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience. Co-author Jeffrey L. Weiner, Ph.D., professor of physiology and pharmacology at Wake Forest Baptist, said one of the biggest challenges in neuroscience had been to control the activity of brain cells in the same way that brain controls them. With optogenetics, neuroscientists can turn specific neurons on or off at will, providing that those neurons actually govern specific behaviors.”  What dopamine cells get turned on or off when you are drinking is a good way to find out how to stop.  How that will battle drinking is impressive.  I know for some people quitting drinking is a very hard thing to do.  I finally quit when I wanted to.  I did learn some good things through groups and A.A. but what really made be quit is the crime I did to go to the state hospital it was finally the bottom for me.
The article goes on to say: “We have known for many years what areas of the brain are involved in the development of addiction and which neurotransmitters are essential for this process, Weiner said.  We need to know the casual relationship between neurochemical changes in the brain and addictive behaviors, and optogenetics is making that possible now.  Using a rodent model, the researchers used cutting-edge molecular techniques to express the light-responsive channel rhodopsin protein in a specific population of dopamine cells in the brain-reward system.  They then implanted tiny optical fibers into this brain region and were able to control the activity of these dopamine cells by flashing a blue laser on them.  You can place and electrode in the brain and apply an electrical current to mimic the way brain cells get excited, but when you do that you’re activating all the cells in a part of the brain-reward system.  Using this technique, we discovered distinct patterns of dopamine cell activation that seemed to be able to disrupt the alcohol-drinking behavior of the rats.  A different way to combat alcoholism would be great it does cause a lot of problems if you are an alcoholic like I was.  It causes crime and behaviors you wish you had never done.
The ending of the article states: “Weiner said there is translational value from the study because ‘it gives us better insight into how we might want to use something like deep-brain stimulation to treat alcoholism.’  Doctors are starting to use deep-brain stimulation to treat everything from anxiety to depression and while it works, there is little scientific understanding behind it, he said.  Budygin agreed. Now we are taking the first steps in this direction, he said.  It was impossible before the optogenetics era.”  That is great to not have to take a pill to make you stop drinking now there are new ways to help.  When you are drunk you do stupid things if this will help people I am all for it.

Smashed

That is the title of a movie I watched this week.  It is about a couple who met while drinking and continued drinking during their marriage.  The wife is a school teacher and is on a hangover and ends up throwing up and telling her students that she is pregnant.  Also told her principal and had them all believing she was.  Finally after one night of drinking she has no more booze and goes to convenience store to get more but it is to late it’s after two in the morning.  She tries everyway she can to talk the store clerk into giving her the wine because the doors to the beer are shut with a chain.

She finally distracts the clerk you have to watch to find out how and steals a bottle of wine and wakes up the next morning in a park.  I do not like wine.  Although when it was two in the morning nothing in the house was safe that had alcohol.  Even my dad’s saved bottles of wine.  Wine coolers my brother saved anything I could continue drinking with.  In the movie that was her bottom that night she stole the wine.  She was talked into attending a small group of AA.  She found a sponsor and talked in group.  Her husband continued to drink.
We all have a bottom that finally makes us change.  Mine was the night I was sent to the state hospital and the state hospital.  One day to life in there and I saw people do ten years in there without getting out or even trying.  That was enough to make me want to change.  To become sober and do without drugs or alcohol and I did try talking to the judge like I usually did when locked up.  I was sent to the county and he did not even see me.  The only way for me was to stay sober and start a new life.
In the movie she relapses and again tries to drink everything she can find.  She finally tells her husband you are my problem, you bring me down.  Either she leaves him or continues to drink.  I will not tell you the ending.  My problem is my old friends.  When you realize what your trigger is it is way to finally understand.  They do not know how they make me drink and also commit crimes when drunk.  Only I can see that and see why.  They picture me as something different than what I picture myself as.
It was a good movie and it made me think.  My old friends never did understand me and did not know what to do with me the times that I did try and quit.  I always relapsed until I went to the state hospital.  In their groups they tell you have to give up your friends to make it.  I did not believe it.  Though when I was released and finally made it back to my old neighborhood.  I knew that I had to do without them.  I told my best friend that we could no longer be friends.  He said “they are making you” I said that is just the way it has to be. 
My other friends came to my apartment building and called my name I just waved and kept walking.  Two other friends came into the apartment building and left a message that they came to see me.  The receptionist thought I would be happy to see them.  At the time the building was mostly elderly.  I never called the number they left.  Now that I have had time to think sober and look back and what transpired in my life.  I do not want to see them.  I do not know if in more time I will forgive.  Although I do know they were my trigger to drinking.  That life is gone.  I do not miss it.

Alcohol and Recovery

This is a follow up to Donald’s blog.  I used to drink alcohol since I was about fourteen.  I remember my first drink I could not even finish the first bottle.  After that I could never get enough.  I used drugs although I would quit them and drink better than drugs.  More friends would pitch in for alcohol.  Every crime I committed I was drunk.  I never was put in jail because of something I did when I was sober.  A person does not think when he is drunk.
My first DUI came when I was nineteen and few months later I received my second DUI.  I was put on antibuse and probation.  The day I was off probation I proceeded to get drunk on my favorite Bacardi 151.  The police tried to stop me as I was driving again.  I did not want to go back to jail.  So I attempted to elude them and they chased me even through Lincoln Park and they set up a road block on Speer and 14th and stopped me.  I received thirty more days in jail and put back on probation.
It costed a lot for the lawyer to get me that deal.  I was always paying the government to keep myself out of jail with fines and lawyers.  They asked me if drinking and the life I was living was so rotten why I did not just quit.  The answer I knew no other way of life.  I would drink and be angry at the way life was going, never had anything that I did not destroy.  I had been to AA meetings with a friend although was always drunk going to them so I never heard the message.  My friend when he finally did quit it was too late because he had developed cirrhosis of the liver.
That is eventually where that disease lands you in prison for life or a medical disease.  I’ve had two good friends that were heavy drinkers that passed away young.  Again I can say I am lucky, mental illness brought me a stop to my drinking.  I cannot say AA did even though I believe their message.  My last drinking that brought me to the state hospital was my bottom.  You can put all the alcohol in front of me and I will not drink.  I know what kind of life it will lead to and I do not want it.
I remember attending an AA meeting in college and this new person came in and he told me when I first saw you here and I was running the meetings at the time.  He said “he is not a drunk, until you told your story”. He became a good friend.  It is like I lived two lives.  This second life with my daughter and grandkids I would not give up for the world. I do not put blame for those that started me off so young.  It would have happened anyway. I am just happy with life as it is and the problems I have that I do not have to drink or drug to still be the same problems tomorrow.
I can deal with life and it is a lot better.  I do not destroy my stereo or possessions no longer.  I can enjoy them.  I do not make a fool of myself.  It is going on twenty four years sober in April. I do not have any old friends from the old days because in the past they were my trigger.  When I try and get sober they did not know what to do with me.  They are from my other life.  I cannot forget the ways life was then and them.

Do I Need Dependency

Alcohol dependence and Drug dependence or chemical dependence is a disease that has a destructive pattern of abuse which leads to problems involving tolerance (the need for more: satiation), withdrawal from the substance and problems associated with society, work, school and law.  I am dual diagnosed and this is in reference to being not only a drug abuser having dependence issues yet I also have mental health issues when I do drink and drug as I have in the past.

Substance abuse or chemical dependency is common with people who have a mental illness, or face problems involving society or relationships.  It took a long time for me to work myself away from my dependence, thanks to the Recovery Program at MHCD, which I accepted because of the poor state of mind and body I was in.  My dependency began at the age of ten and I have since ceased my use of drugs and alcohol, yet I wasted thirty three years and gained not very much in the way of respect amongst old friends nor much of an education to excel in this world.  I have since then gained a matter of self esteem and freedom from fears which caused me to live those past years in addiction.  I wanted to get high because I thought I liked the feeling, I lied to myself.  My self esteem as I was growing was the reason, lack of friendships, my fears because of my growing dependency and last but not least, wanting to fit in with the wrong crowd, was the cause of my past destructive attitude.

Alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, LSD, the list goes on and I didn’t want to realize I was a drug abuser, I was a “want to be hip junkie” no one ever heard of,  whose associates thought was just as “cool”.  Alcohol played a major part in my dependency and I thought nothing of my health or my ability to socialize at home or work.  I soon had neither and became a transient on the streets, virtual homeless and begging for anything that would get me “high”, to keep me from feeling the pain I wasn’t aware that I suffered myself with.

What stress can a ten year old child face, new to the city’s neighborhood, no friends, except family, if that?  What causes the pattern of chemical dependency to escalate?  Accepting responsibility, consistency of drug use, problems with the law and relationship problems, I met the criteria well into my late thirties before I quit using, becoming a part of Mental Health Sytem, having attended numerous AA, NA meetings, before the door opened to Recovery, I learned I can be free of guilt and pain and finally closing another door to old acquaintances who had let me see the old me in themselves, a person who could not care for himself, or others.  That all changed, and with the struggle, a new idea, how to accept myself and what I can share that is worth the esteem of being.  In my Recovery I learned to want what I want, what is best as a part of a more responsible world and to care not only for me but those I respect without fear of denial or retribution? 

Written by Donald S.

February 17, 2013

Almost Alcoholic

In last week’s blog we finished talking about the signs of being an almost alcoholic. Another thing the book gives is a quiz to see which category you might be in. The answers are on page thirty four and as the book says no one wants to grow up to be an alcoholic or almost alcoholic. The book says: “The medical literature has a term for almost alcoholics; they are called “diagnostic orphans”—that is their problems don’t fit neatly into established diagnostic categories. This means that if they went to a professional for an assessment, they wouldn’t fit the criteria for the diagnosis of alcohol dependence.” (pg.47). How would they get help if they do not fit the right category? They could use help.
The book goes on to give more case studies of people who are almost alcoholic. Then the book talks about relationship between a person and alcohol. It gives three stages of alcohol drinking. The first stage called Casual Friendship: “People whose relationship with alcohol falls into this stage drink primarily in social settings. This is what we mean by “normal social drinking.”” (pg.65). These people have no problem with drinking. They might just do it social but can take it or leave it. The second stage is called Serious Relationship: “… a person has learned to use alcohol consistently for one of two reasons: to create certain positive feelings (such as relaxation or euphoria) or to avoid certain negative feelings (such as anxiety or loneliness).”(pg.67). This dinking behavior would fall into the category of almost alcoholic. There is hope if your get help in this stage. Otherwise you can go from being an almost alcoholic to being a full alcoholic.
The third stage is called Commitment: “At this next stage, alcohol use has moved beyond a serious relationship into what could be called a commitment that the drinker has made with alcohol.” (pg.70). I believe I was at this stage. I would consume alcohol just to get drunk. Good times were not always there. When it should have been good in turned out wrong. I might end up in jail or even in a fight. I do not think about drinking anymore. I just have to remember how it was and I will always be abstinent.
I give this book a good review. The chapters going forward have more case studies and how to change from being an almost alcoholic or alcoholic. One chapter is on Change and has a quiz to take. One chapter is on refusal skills, like learning to say no. The rest of the book is worth reading. This will end the series.

Still Recovering

As I wrote in an earlier blog I am a recovering alcoholic. I was on antibuse and counseling after my first DUI. They did not help me. The counselor they gave me both times I had a DUI did not counsel me the right way. People might think I am paranoid as I go back over how I was counseled after my first DUI. I was put on antibuse, although when they first put me on it I could still drink. I guess it was a low dose.
My girlfriend, whom I would later marry, told the counselor that I was still drinking. He increased the dose of my antibuse. When I tried to drink again I was very sick. That finally stopped my drinking. Although my drinking was stopped nobody told me why or even counseled me. I was only eighteen years old. My girlfriend and me married and divorced while I was on antibuse for the first DUI.
Even though I was divorced I still went to see this counselor. After my divorce he seemed like he really did not care whether I quit or not. Just that I took my antibuse. No counseling on my triggers or why I drank. To let me know there was another way to deal with life besides drinking. When the night came and I was finished with counseling and antibuse. I went out and drank. I had a bottle in my car and drove all over town. Even went to Lakewood.
A police officer tried to stop my car. I took him on a chase through the Denver. They finally stopped me without wrecking the car. I was put back on antibuse and the same counselor. He still did not help. I really did not receive any help on my drinking until my mental illness. There are more personal reasons why I do not like this counselor. Since the late seventies counseling has changed. I should know I am a drug and alcohol counselor that is what I originally went to college for.
I do know if that counselor would have only tried to help back then my life would have been different. Construction and drinking went together. I was doing well at my job they were even getting ready to make me a foreman. Then I drank too much and totaled my car.

Recovering

I am a recovering alcoholic. I do not write much about this part of my life to often. The reason is because I do take my sobriety for granted. It has been twenty three years since I touched a drink. I do not miss it. All I have to do is remember the destruction it caused in my life. Like a DUI and losing my construction job because I had totaled my car. That is one reason I do not drive nowadays.
All the bad memories of drinking and driving, I never hurt anyone but myself. I was never trying to get in trouble it just always found me. I am now able to watch other people drink and it does not have an effect on me. A year into my sobriety, I went into a bar that I use to frequent when I was drinking. I had no intention of drinking when I went into that bar. I just wanted to see what I was missing.
My old drinking buddy was there so I sat with him and few friends. I had a seven up. There was nothing happening so I told my friend goodbye. I remember walking home and thinking there is no attraction for me in a bar and drinking anymore. I knew then that I could be around people who drank and I would not have an effect on me. It was a turning point in my life. My friend who was at the bar that night quit drinking about two years later.
Although it was too late for him to have years of sobriety, because the alcohol had already wreaked havoc on his body. He died about a year into his sobriety. He was the second of my friends that tried to quit but it was too late. I can only imagine all that I would have missed out on if I had stayed drinking. I might be dead or in prison. I would not have the joy of watching my grandkids grow up.

The Looking Glass

After many years of an association with MHCD (Mental Health Center of Denver), I began seeing a side of me they had noticed years before. I saw that I really had an illness which kept me from understanding what reality was about and which had kept me without respect not only for other people, yet for myself as well. I began to understand what my life was all about, my well being, the shambles of my mind the destitution I was living in; it was enough to shake my head in shame. I asked myself a question, “Where have I been?” Many people haven’t had the chance to see themselves, others only through glass and others haven’t the ability to make the change from what causes the debilitating blow because of an illness. There are many emotions to sort through when you are living with a mental illness, that’s one of the reasons I came to respect those who work in Mental Health in the fields of psychotherapy, and cognitive therapy. They are guiding the forlorn into that other majesty called reality, without faltering; without shame, without disrespect.
Psychotherapy is made up of a series of techniques which are used for treating emotional and psychiatric illness’ in other words your mental health. It is used to help the client, patient or consumer, understand what makes them feel weak or strong, positive or negative. Clients involved in psychotherapy can identify their feelings and their way of thinking in order to “deal” with the difficult aspects of reality. As a consumer in Recovery, I began reaching for reality, realizing my weakness and through many methods of communication and the use of psychotropic medications; I was able to alleviate some of the stress and negative emotions I was having without the use of street drugs or alcohol. Reality became a picture of motion and words through the sessions I had with my therapist and others associated with my recovery through the mental health system, by means of psychotherapeutic methods which have been in development since the 19th century. Many practicing psychologist and therapist agree to an extent that the most effective treatment for mental illness and other problems involves a combination of medication and psychotherapy as well as cognitive therapy. “We feel by what we think”, and with the in depth conversations and sincerity a person is able to live as an individual with strength of mind, overcoming the draught of negativity they have associated with during their illness.
Written by Donald Sammons

College and Mental Illness

Starting college with a mental illness can be rough. The following is a link to 10 conditions that plague college students. Do you disclose that you have a mental illness? That is a tough question. I did not personally want to disclose, although when they told me I would be suspended, and the only thing that could help me is if I had a disability. I really did not see any other choice. Also I had my first relapse the first week that I started college. As I mention last week when I am mentally ill, I am more aware of people and cars. I had to make my way downtown from Auraria campus to catch a bus home as I did not know the schedule and buses at the campus yet. I had to go through a crowd of 1,700 new students. It was rough for me. When I came back to college after having my medication increased, I had to change one class because I had missed too many days. The disabilities office asked if I needed help with my classes. The first day of class I had to ask for a note taker, and let the class know. The other students had to know that I had a mental illness, because I had no physical illness. Every semester that was the hardest day of the semester for me. Just because you have a disability it does not make going to college any easier. I could also have had my tests done in a private room. Although I did not ask for that and I had to take my test with the rest of my classmates. I have been quiet all my life until I get to know a person. I did not have any friends in college except for the ones I met in Alcoholics Anonymous. We had a group at campus. I would still go back to college although I would try to do it all over again without going through disability office. That is just me.

Another Story

I was going through some old books that I have and I came across one that had helped me tremendously whenever I was down and out. The book is titled “They Beat the odds.” It is an old book not worth much money, but a treasure of stories of people who triumphed over adversity. I remember when I first read it, I said if they can make it through all they have been through so can I. One story I reread the other day was about the hostage situation in Iran. There was one Marine when they stormed the Embassy they hit him in the ribs with a shotgun. They took him to the hospital only to later yank him from his IV’s, and take him to prison. Once in prison they told him he would be facing a firing squad. The story tells what he was thinking and how he felt be locked up in a foreign country not knowing what was going to happen to him. Well finally President Carter freed the hostages and saved his life. Why would I reread this story? I was in prison once and a lot longer than him. Although I knew I had an appeal and some day would be free because we have laws I can understand. Also I was in my own country with people who talked like me. To be in a foreign country without people like you, never knowing what they could do to you or when you could get out. It would be the most frightening feeling and experience in the world. Another story I can relate to is about an alcoholic. He was an editor of magazines and newspapers. He was about to go to rehab as we call it now days. He knew he had to check in. He woke up at 9 am and drank three vodka and orange juice before he left at 11 am. The story goes on to say how many alcoholics there were in 1983 the year the book was printed. There were 120 million drinkers and 10 to 11 million alcoholics at that time. He made it through rehab. He was in room after words with other editors. They were drinking, and he told them he no longer drank. They did not care and probably thought more for us. They could not see through their alcoholic lenses. He went on to be the editor for Newsweek magazine. The book tells how people drink to cover up emotional problems such as anxiety, tension, fear, and also depression. It is a coping mechanism. Through there alcoholic lenses they probably will never see how good life can be sober. To go through ups and downs or see how well it is to let children learn and be themselves so that a person can enjoy them and life.