Do I Need Dependency

Alcohol dependence and Drug dependence or chemical dependence is a disease that has a destructive pattern of abuse which leads to problems involving tolerance (the need for more: satiation), withdrawal from the substance and problems associated with society, work, school and law.  I am dual diagnosed and this is in reference to being not only a drug abuser having dependence issues yet I also have mental health issues when I do drink and drug as I have in the past.

Substance abuse or chemical dependency is common with people who have a mental illness, or face problems involving society or relationships.  It took a long time for me to work myself away from my dependence, thanks to the Recovery Program at MHCD, which I accepted because of the poor state of mind and body I was in.  My dependency began at the age of ten and I have since ceased my use of drugs and alcohol, yet I wasted thirty three years and gained not very much in the way of respect amongst old friends nor much of an education to excel in this world.  I have since then gained a matter of self esteem and freedom from fears which caused me to live those past years in addiction.  I wanted to get high because I thought I liked the feeling, I lied to myself.  My self esteem as I was growing was the reason, lack of friendships, my fears because of my growing dependency and last but not least, wanting to fit in with the wrong crowd, was the cause of my past destructive attitude.

Alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, LSD, the list goes on and I didn’t want to realize I was a drug abuser, I was a “want to be hip junkie” no one ever heard of,  whose associates thought was just as “cool”.  Alcohol played a major part in my dependency and I thought nothing of my health or my ability to socialize at home or work.  I soon had neither and became a transient on the streets, virtual homeless and begging for anything that would get me “high”, to keep me from feeling the pain I wasn’t aware that I suffered myself with.

What stress can a ten year old child face, new to the city’s neighborhood, no friends, except family, if that?  What causes the pattern of chemical dependency to escalate?  Accepting responsibility, consistency of drug use, problems with the law and relationship problems, I met the criteria well into my late thirties before I quit using, becoming a part of Mental Health Sytem, having attended numerous AA, NA meetings, before the door opened to Recovery, I learned I can be free of guilt and pain and finally closing another door to old acquaintances who had let me see the old me in themselves, a person who could not care for himself, or others.  That all changed, and with the struggle, a new idea, how to accept myself and what I can share that is worth the esteem of being.  In my Recovery I learned to want what I want, what is best as a part of a more responsible world and to care not only for me but those I respect without fear of denial or retribution? 

Written by Donald S.

February 17, 2013