Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Suicide and Schizophrenia

It is a subject a person would like to forget and hope it would not happen to someone else. Although most schizophrenics, who become mentally ill do think about suicide, and do try to commit suicide. Schizophrenic Bulletin says:“Even though in a schizophrenic fog, believing that people were out to kill him. He wanted to commit suicide. Yet he did not know why.” It is really hard to explain. Even though I thought in my delusion that people were trying to get me sent back to prison. I did think about and try to commit suicide. I did not like what was going on and I did not understand it when it was happening.
It is just that I woke up and I was different and what was happening in my mind was different. I think this article in the Schizophrenic bulletin explains it in words I cannot: “…My self- or someone else’s self-was already out there, controlling my every move without my conscious awareness. I was trapped in the nothingness between the internal and external, hiding behind the veil of my own perceptions, which I didn’t perceive to be my own.” I did not want to go back to prison. Yet it was like I was not directing my life, but someone else was.
When they arrested me all I could say was why? What I had feared had happened. I did not get medication while I was in the County Jail. When I arrived at the State Hospital, I thought it was a prison. Somewhere else other than the Canon City prison, like I thought it was Grand Junction, Colorado. When the judge had said one day to life, I started calling down my lawyer. I did not hear what else the judge said. It was like a prison when they had taken me to the State hospital. They moved me at night and I thought it was a prison.
Well I was there for about two weeks before I was tried on a second medication. When I had first arrived they had tried me on Haldol. I had an allergic reaction to it. They did not try again until they had moved me to a second ward. Those feeling and that fog I would never want to go through that again and for that long. I believe I was left mentally ill for at least nine months.

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