Wednesday, June 25, 2014


It is what I need at this moment in time.  Here at work and cannot work because my access is not working right.  I want to work because next week I am going to be gone all week.  I want to finish my work so I do not have to think about it next week all though lately something always goes wrong.  That is the same with life just when you think you are turning the corner and everything will work out and then life throws you a curve ball.  How am I going to handle this, then you think of all the times the lord has helped you before and you say no matter how hard this is I will get through this also.
I will get through this life and things eventually will change for the best.  So I will keep plugging along and wait for the good times again.  The hardest thing to overcome is this mental illness.  It really through me for a loop when I found out that I had schizophrenia and to top it off I was in the state hospital and did not know how long I would be there.  You really look at your life and say I have to change or this is how my life will be always locked up.  It does not matter if it is the state hospital or jail or prison it is taking away a person’s freedom.
I made a change that I am glad I made.  I have not been locked back up since 1994 and I would not even know how many years if I did not think back and count the years.  I have been able to see all my grandchildren born and be part of their lives.  I have never been stopped by the police in all these years and that is by someone who they would stop and stop my friends because we had the same hairdo. I have to have hope because there is nothing else but to give up and I will never do that.
I think the hardest thing that ever happen to me was when I faced twenty four years in prison.  I had to fight that charge I could not have faced all those years and as you all know I had my breakdown in prison.  If I would have not had my appeal it would have been disastrous.  It would have been the hardest time I ever did.  As it turned out being at the state hospital was the hardest time I ever did.  You wore street clothes and they had a restaurant there that is what made it so hard.  I always thought of the streets and how I just wanted a chance to make it. Nothing I ever face again in life will be that tough it just seems that way sometimes.
I always know I will be free again and no problems seem that big just frustrating.  I just have to remember this to will pass.  My oldest granddaughter is sixteen already where have the years gone.  I was in school for a lot of those years even though it did not seem that way they did go fast.  That is how long since I smoked also.  I quit when she was born.  I do not miss it and I was a heavy smoker. I see others light up and I do not miss it. Just have to keep up hope and I will get through today also.

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