Hope & Recovery

I am writing about hope and recovery again it has been awhile since I addressed this subject.  I hardly get down in the dumps.  I will for a while then I realize that things will always get better that you just have to keep trudging along.  You have to help things move along in the right way also you cannot just sit back and think things are go to get better on their own.  I have a hard habit since I was young of forcing things to work.  Sometimes they do not like my ex-mother in law said you cannot force things.  She was right about my marriage.  Although I still keep trying and if I did not when I was in the state hospital, I might still be there.
When I received a pass to visit my family I not only visited them but I also registered for college hoping I would go and change my life.  I was released two months before college started to a boarding home for dual diagnosis.  Life has a funny way of happening.  I have faced a lot of obstacles in my life where the worse could have happened and I would not be here writing this if it all happened.  Sometimes you just have to believe no matter how bad things seem to be that it will get better and it always does.  I once face twenty four years and did not make a deal and if the judge would have gave me the law the way it was written I would only been found guilty of a misdemeanor.  Instead of doing two years until my appeal was approved.

I knew I would get out.  It keeps getting better as time goes along.  That is the same with recovery.  You just have to keep pushing forward.  There are going to be relapses along the way although you find out what is going wrong and you fix it.  Just like when they first put me on Geodon it kept making my fall asleep during the day until I switched it to night time.  I take it when I want to fall asleep now.  My life I believe is going on the greatest time it ever has. I write it in hopes it will rub off on other people.  I do get down but not overnight or anything.  I usually just get angry that things are not going right.  Although even if I do not wish things to get better they do.I believe it is rubbing off on my daughter usually when things go wrong she will be upset I noticed this last time she did not.  She weathered the storm and now things are a little bit better for her.  I only hope that my grandkids see things as I usually do not preach to them but show them through my actions.  They would not understand now anyway that life is a trip.  Things are not perfect but I cannot complain.  I am free and that is what I wanted most of my life as I was always locked up. Just keep pushing forward and know that hope & recovery can and will happen.

Mental Illness

I am pretty lucky as I read what others with schizophrenia go through.  My symptoms do not bother me.  I would know because they used to bother me when I drank coffee on Moban.  I had to stop drinking coffee and I really loved it.  Now that I am on Geodon I can drink coffee although I do not drink it like I used to.  Now I drink two cups and that is enough for me.  If I could of did that on the Moban I would have not had to quit.  Although back then I could not stop at two cups.  That is not the only difference.

You cannot tell that I have a mental illness because I work eight hours a day.  It does not bother me in the slightest way.  I do not have symptoms in which my mind is racing or any other ones that usually people with schizophrenia have that prevent them from working and interacting with people.  Taking medication is not a problem either.  That is one thing that I can thank the state hospital in teaching us to always take our medicine.  Also on schedule and now I only have to take it once a day.  It is usually taken with my meal or if I would like to stay up later as it makes me sleepy a couple of hours after I take it.
If I want to stay up or I am visiting someone and do not take it with my dinner.  I can always take it with a banana or yogurt.  This illness does not really bother me.  It is just the stigma that does.  People find out you have a mental illness and they treat you different.  That gets me angry.  How do they know that I am inferior without knowing my life and how I handle myself and deal with everyday life? This is kind of an invisible disease unless you act out or talk to yourself and a lot of people do that are not mentally ill no one would know that you have this disease.
I do not like the symptoms of mental illness that is why I always watch myself and make sure I take my medicine.  I have taken care of my grandchildren since they were little babies.  Now that they are older they do not come over but once a month.  I miss having them every weekend but they are growing up and do things with kids their own age now.  I never talk to them about my mental illness although I am sure they know about it.  Although I have never shown them symptoms of mental illness and hope they never have to deal with this disease.
No one knows where this disease started with me or anyone else.  No one in my family had this disease before.  I do know the alcohol and drugs I did had something to do with it.  If I can keep my grandchildren away from drugs then I have confidence that this will not happen to them.  They are good kids and smart.

Schizophrenia

What’s it like having this disease? It does not bother me most of the time. Only when the stigma comes out and now that I moved from a low-income housing my neighbors do not know. To me it is just something I have to take medicine for the rest of my life. It is not like type 2 diabetes where if you eat right and exercise you can beat that disease. No this one sticks with you for life. It is the only disease I want to have for the rest of my life. I always hope and pray that nothing else goes wrong as I get older.
I just want to take my Geodon and my vitamins for the rest of my life. I do not want to be a burden on my family. I hope that I can always take care of myself. That is what I mostly think of not the stigma that goes with this mental illness. The only time I am affected by stigma is if I tell someone I have a mental illness. Because otherwise you cannot tell that I do. I do hate it when people think I am crazy. Like when my fridge was freezing my stuff on the bottom of my fridge. I kept telling them at my new apartment and they kept treating me like I was crazy. I had to prove I was not by taking a bottle of water that had frozen from the bottom of my fridge.
I believe if they knew I had a mental illness I would have never received a new fridge. It can hurt you in a lot of ways stigma. People can be frustrating. Which in turn frustrates me even though I know that is just part of life. Through all this and listening to the news you just hope things will get better. They always do there are good times and bad times. Although I have to say there are more good times then bad. I did a decade locked up and I have had way longer being free.
I was able to see my grandchildren born and grow up without being locked up during all those years. They still have a way to go. I want to be there when they are fully grown. I am a lucky one in this illness did not rob me of anything in fact if it wasn’t for the fact that I was locked up in the state hospital, I would not have been able to change my life around for the better. I only hope that they can find medicine that works for other schizophrenics that have negative symptoms and do not get the chance I had to make their life better.
I believe they are making a start with Obama’s new brain initiative  . If they can understand the brain better and make drugs that work it would be great. A person just has to keep having hope. I do feel for the people who cannot make the changes to see that you can have a better life. I left a friend back at the state hospital that could not quit smoking weed. I used to tell just do it to see your dad out on the streets. Nothing could make him change. I think of him because he was a good friend. Just was to set in his ways. The last time I went up there to get my conditional release I asked and he was still there and that was after seven years. I would never want to die being locked up.