Monday, April 15, 2013

Schizophrenia and Recovery

The experience of being schizophrenia is an empty and lonely one.  It’s easy to withdraw from the world, rather than to cope with the reality of it.  My perceptions remain unquestionable, there’s really no one to share what is real to me or unreal and be believed as an experience.  I was feeling very fragmented one day and being alone, I had to look inside the crazy feelings I was having.  There is no pain to be given, yet I know and realize that the delusions and paranoia do exist.  My brain isn’t getting the message through to the right people, and I am not separating the truths of who are the right people, to trust, to share with, and even to care about.  It’s difficult at times without an understanding person to meet with the real world.  I withdraw from the society and world around me, reality, simply because I don’t want to be misunderstood about what I am experiencing or feeling and as I try to hide my illness, I had no idea this secret was destroying me. 
I slowly gave up on everything I wanted to do and because of a promise I made with a family member, I began to reach into the basket of cornucopias delight and began to feel better about myself.  The pins and needles of negativity and doubt began withdrawing themselves and I could see a bit more clearly.  I do have my fears as I am becoming a part of a greater blessed part of life, working, keeping an apartment, being responsible to myself as well as others and I often feel I am normal, working towards Recovery, a part of the real outer world, not one that is hallucinated.
It has taken me sometime to completely understand what has happened to me and what I have done to myself, being dual diagnosed as well, yet I don’t blame the world for putting the cup in my hands.  Reading and listening to those I can trust and care about has brought me back to the realm of sanity, besides taking the medications I have, without having to resort to self medicating by using illicit street drugs and alcohol.  I had to learn to be patient and trusting and realize tomorrow is another day, not just a dream I can re-manipulate, which gets me closer to understanding that I have a contribution to make with the faith of others, an opportunity to become normal. 

Written by Donald S.


  1. I appreciate where you've been and how far you've come because I've been there, too, and have also learned a lot from my experience. I can see where I've failed myself in life without needing to hurt myself. I can finally take responsibility and love myself too, often through appreciating and loving others. I don't think that the goal is to be "normal" because that's a questionable word. I think the practice is to be honest and kind and to do your part to share and help others. You're doing that. Thank you.

  2. Thank you for writing this. I can relate some because I have a similar illness. It is inspiring to see your optimism.

    I too would like to add that there is no such thing as a "normal" person. For myself, I don't strive to be like someone who doesn't have a mental illness, I strive to be my best self. I'll never be symptom-free -- but that's perfectly okay, as long as I manage my symptoms, help others, and fight stigma. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.