Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Schizophrenia

That is what this disease is called.  When I first was told that I had schizophrenia I did not even know what it that word meant.  I was confused first from coming from my delusion and not knowing where I was at.  I was at the state hospital in Pueblo.  They gave me Haldol and that helped but it also cramped my face up.  They had to discontinue it.  They sent me to another ward where I was told there were people like my there.  There were but I was still in psychosis.  Until they gave me stelazine in which it made my arms shake.
Although I started coming out of the delusions and wondering where I was at and not understanding that the Judge had said one day to life.  I was wondering how I had got myself it to this mess.  Trying to understand what the other people there were saying and not knowing that my case was different than some of them.  They moved me again.  This ward was better but I still did not understand that I had a mental illness and what it meant.  I talked the psychiatrist into taking me off the medication because it made my arms and hands shake.
It took about two months and they moved me again and I was on this ward for about a week when someone died.  If only I would have understood the night I talked to him what he was saying and why I would have talked to him and told him it was not bad and how to take care of those that were bothering him.  You do not know what is going through someone’s mind.  I have since found out that I knew this guy’s uncle and met his dad where I used to live.  I still talk as if I came from Pueblo.  Even though I grew up in Denver because that was the last place I lived and when I came back  I did not talk to my old friends and so I still talk like the last place I was at.
I had a psychotic episode well I was at this ward and that finally made me understand that I had a mental illness and instead of it being bad I could use this to change my life around.  I had already seen people there who did not follow rules and not want to change their life around be there for ten years or longer.  I was already tired of being locked up my daughter was getting older.  I saw a chance to change my life and when someone asked what I wanted to do with my life I said I wanted to learn computers and go back to college.  They helped my learn typing and computers well I studied for and applied to college.
It wasn’t my first breakdown I had a mental episode in prison that I did not understand I just thought when my appeal was won things would go back to normal.  Stress did not allow that.  For me besides the five years I lost in the state hospital I really came out pretty good.  I was able to go back to college and get my Masters.  I work and I have my grandkids and daughter in my life besides my family that has stuck by me throughout prison and the state hospital.  People do not usually get a chance to turn their whole life around.  Usually if you want to change and stay out of prison there is no chance except to become homeless and live a life of drinking.  You do not get a program to rehabilitate you and help you succeed.

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