Monday, September 9, 2013

When am I Real

I have been dreaming of being a purposeful individual not only in the work place, yet also at home.  What I am meaning is that I want to see myself as useful and responsible at the same time, without failure being by my side.  This at times is hard to conceive, having a dual diagnosis while struggling to maintain sobriety.  I was asked just recently by someone that I know, if I heard voices?  This question about my mental illness threw me for a loop I then ceased thinking about work, confusion began to rear its head and I began to think negative thoughts about myself.  I thought will I begin to become judged because I have symptoms which may show themselves, am I not being quote “normal” or will I be shunned because people are seeing me as a mentally ill employee.  It’s strange what the human mind conceives of itself when you feel fear or jeopardy towards your wellbeing, only time can answer when you seek answers from the right people.  I work for a mental health center, so I should understand about how my symptoms affect those I work with and those I associate with outside of the work place.  I mentioned, fear as one of my symptoms, which is easy to associate with paranoia; and being such close relatives, both fear and paranoia, I have to walk quietly and pay attention to what is going on through my mind so as not to embarrass myself or others I may be feeling fearful of.  I have to deal with internal dialogue “which comes from the dialogical self, which is a description of the minds ability to imagine different places of participants in an internal dialogue.  There are two concepts self and dialogue which extend to self conflicts, self criticism, self agreements and self consultancy.”
 I talked to myself within, I talked to myself out loud, at a whisper mind you and I spend time at night verbalizing in silence, or writing to keep the barrier of other voices which once plagued me years ago.  I have had to overcome to affectation of voices I would hear at night, and the mixed messages which caused me to see myself as not an positive person; yet I had to realize this problem I was having on my own.  Associating with fellow employees or loved ones with such problems besetting the mind can be upsetting, so dealing with the problem alone was one way, understanding my therapist and realizing fear is not paranoia, and that internal dialogue is not disastrous and can be helpful is a step in the right direction in overcoming the hallucinations of speech and responding to speech which does not exist.  In all, knowing one plus one helps, knowing also that there is someone with whom you can confide in is a plus also when you are not visiting your therapist and going over the fine points of the problems you may be suffering from. 
Written by Donald S.

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