Monday, October 7, 2013

Changing Life styles

I have reached the age where everything in life counts towards my existence.  Relationships and family, employment, self-esteem and faith all matter when a person must rely not only on the self, yet others understanding where you have been and where you want to be as well just to name a few.  Just a short while ago, I received news that my job position was being discontinued; I am being phased out of my data entry position.  I was shocked somewhat to learn this, and as I began to listen a bit more intently, I found out that I was not qualified to continue to do the work which was now changing from clerical to programming.  I realized I have no computer programming experience, but I felt a bit more relaxed when the program manager told me that I had at least 6 months to find another position in the company that I may be suited for or the opportunity to find employment in another company.  I was confounded at first, yet to hear that the company I am working for wanted me to continue working for them if I have other talents to put to use was a reprieve.  I have to admit that I was worried at first very intently, and I still am almost feeling anxiety due to such a lay-off and what to do after 5 years of service and was counting on even more time with the people I had grown to respect.
I did not lose my respect for anyone, though I was a bit fearful as to whether this change in employment was some kind of ruse or get-back or ploy to undermine my being.  I am still scared somewhat in that I will have to probably search the realm of business, in order to find work, being out of touch with associating with those I have never met and making impressions in order to be found worthy of employment.  When I think of where I am at this present time, my mind spins, nothing seems satisfying and the road seems even more distant to walk down after what took 5 years to gain.  I feel this is judgment day and the world and the many people I have grown to know are the jury while I am awaiting a verdict.  It’s not really that way, work is the backbone of every person’s livelihood and I know I cannot give up or quit to become what I once was, a vagabond, a transient without any intellect or a fool to my own delusions.
As a consumer, I have about as much reason to wonder if I will make it in this world as any normal person does.  I thought that I should not use the excuse of being with a mental illness as a means to gain pity, yet showing I am stronger in knowing that I should know what to do and rely on others who can help is as beneficial as gaining respect of those who do not know that I am a consumer of mental health.  I cannot hide from what I am, I can only become better with a working faith and hope and the determination that I can succeed without looking down on any one or searching for pity.

Written by Donald S.

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