Living with Schizophrenia

It’s 2 o’clock in the morning. The wind blows leaves and dust against the window on to my apartment. I don’t know this as I had awakened to the sound of tapping and wind crossing my door. I walk out into the dark living room cautiously. The chilled air I could feel in the room as the wind whistled through the seams of the window and front entrance, building thought upon thoughts of all the wrong scenarios I could imagine. “Someone is trying to break in. I forgot to chain the door closed. The cat from two doors down is scratching at my door way.” I eventually look out the window, anger subsiding, fear dissipating, and the voices subsiding as well. This is a slight scenario of living with a schizoaffective disorder, living for years knowing you may never know the truth, or be cured of your diagnosis, being told who you are and how to change your life; yet as I struggle on, I wonder how much of that is righteous information.
At this present time I come to realize that I have fears, not paranoia, (living with false beliefs or delusions that someone is plotting against you or someone else), and I also came to believe that the schizoaffective disorder can be lived with, taking prescribed medications and having support. I do know I want to experience a new life, one that keeps me smiling and caring. I have headaches, though they’re not constant and are not about the schizophrenia and I know they don’t cause the auditory hallucinations nor are caused by side effects from the medication, yet I do know they’re apart of the wonderland I experience day to day.
These days I write on my computer, read occasionally and keep the company of relatives and several friends who accept my character, as well as my illness. I stay from the “nightlife” as this caused me troubles when I was younger. I isolate at times and I cope with the slightened depression which occurs by watching television and hoping laughter lifts the dark gray cloud away. I work for a mental Health Center, that’s great support and a great strength giver, meeting new people, and having the opportunity to share my life with others, and learn as well about mental health and what is being done for clients with mental illness. I keep a check on my thoughts, often time quizzing co-workers especially, about my attitude and emotional being. Its work that pays for itself in the long run, making new friends, keeping a check on your reality and facing the same without fear or boundaries.
Controlling your world, so you’ll feel better as time goes by, without depending on drugs or alcohol, without other ill feelings of morose. You can also check us out at http://mhcd.org/blog
Written by Donald S.

Sick and Recovery

I am just getting over being sick with a sinus infection. I get them once a year, because of my allergies. I was only home for two days and was getting bored with TV. I was not up to doing my recording or anything else, like talking on the phone to family and friends. All this and Donald’s blog had me thinking about my old friends in the building I use to live in. I first moved into that building back in 1994, it was still mostly elderly residents. Although they had to open it up to people with disabilities, because of the Americans with Disabilities Act. A lot of people who were there when I first moved in have died or moved away. I still go there twice a year to keep in touch with the friends and learn about friends who have moved away like me. When I first moved there I was going to college and everyone who worked there does not now. I had no plans on moving from there. I was kind of forced out by the new manager who also was a friend or so I thought. I do not believe she learned the lessons me and my friends did about friendship and helping others. I watched her start there as a receptionist and work her way up to manager. As a manager she changed. She has since quit after I left. That is the only reason I am allowed to go visit my friends. I hope I never change, because good friends are hard to come by.

Friends and Recovery and addiction

I was reading an article on the internet yesterday, about addiction. In the article, they do not believe that addiction is a disease. They tested mice by giving then alcohol. When the mice were going through withdrawals, they were offered more alcohol, and they would not drink it. The article said though that if you put on low lights and soft music to mice, then they would drink the alcohol. The article went on to say they believed addiction is tied to the reward system in the brain. They also took some heroin addicts away from their environment, and they became clean from heroin. Although when they went back to their old neighborhood and friends, they soon relapsed. That part reminded me of me. All the state hospital drilled in to me was you cannot have your old friends. Right I thought, it’s not their fault, I get into trouble. Then I would remember something my best friend’s mom told me once and I always tried to figure it out. She said “it’s not you, it’s your friends” As you know I was released from the state hospital. While I was there one girl from the neighborhood kept in touch with me. She was supposed to come and see me in Denver. Although we soon lost touch with each other once I was back in Denver. After a few months in a group home, I found an apartment in the old neighborhood. I moved in and soon my old friends started coming by when I was not home. I was home though when my best friend came by. I told him we could not see each other anymore. He told me “you are blaming me for the past.” I told him I was not blaming anybody, which was just the way it had to be. I can watch a stranger drink and not care at all. To watch a friend and remember old times, I would have started drinking again. I had tried to stop on my own before and was soon drinking with old friends. Do you have a substance abuse problem and what would you do if you did?

Having Positive Friends

Seeking help when you feel you are alone with some sort of despondency or given help when someone understands someone is facing a problem is a sure sign that there is a person caring about another person, that you care about yourself, because you care about yourself.
One of the sayings I have always heard since I was a child is “choose your friends wisely”. The same is said in another way, *“Be with people who are going the same way you are, if they are positive or good people you will find them more of a joy to be around”.
In the Mental Health system, when going through the Recovery process, you find that many people going through Recovery have a need to find someone “new” to begin their new growing process. Even though we become close in a sense, associating with the doctors, clinicians, etc. whom have begun to earn our trust, we begin to change from negative to positive, we are feeling the encouragement of positive people, new friends.
You don’t have to give your time to anyone if you don’t want to, yet if you do, know that you don’t have to be negative. Spending your time alone or with someone, you must understand that you must have a positive good note about your life, not only with the people helping you through Recovery, yet also with those things you care to spend your time with.
Have you met someone new who has become a friend?
*Excerpt from “Choose Well Your Fellow Travelers”,
“You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought”
By John Rogers and Peter McWilliams

By Donald Sammons