It’s 2 o’clock in the morning. The wind blows leaves and dust against the window on to my apartment. I don’t know this as I had awakened to the sound of tapping and wind crossing my door. I walk out into the dark living room cautiously. The chilled air I could feel in the room as the wind whistled through the seams of the window and front entrance, building thought upon thoughts of all the wrong scenarios I could imagine. “Someone is trying to break in. I forgot to chain the door closed. The cat from two doors down is scratching at my door way.” I eventually look out the window, anger subsiding, fear dissipating, and the voices subsiding as well. This is a slight scenario of living with a schizoaffective disorder, living for years knowing you may never know the truth, or be cured of your diagnosis, being told who you are and how to change your life; yet as I struggle on, I wonder how much of that is righteous information.
At this present time I come to realize that I have fears, not paranoia, (living with false beliefs or delusions that someone is plotting against you or someone else), and I also came to believe that the schizoaffective disorder can be lived with, taking prescribed medications and having support. I do know I want to experience a new life, one that keeps me smiling and caring. I have headaches, though they’re not constant and are not about the schizophrenia and I know they don’t cause the auditory hallucinations nor are caused by side effects from the medication, yet I do know they’re apart of the wonderland I experience day to day.
These days I write on my computer, read occasionally and keep the company of relatives and several friends who accept my character, as well as my illness. I stay from the “nightlife” as this caused me troubles when I was younger. I isolate at times and I cope with the slightened depression which occurs by watching television and hoping laughter lifts the dark gray cloud away. I work for a mental Health Center, that’s great support and a great strength giver, meeting new people, and having the opportunity to share my life with others, and learn as well about mental health and what is being done for clients with mental illness. I keep a check on my thoughts, often time quizzing co-workers especially, about my attitude and emotional being. Its work that pays for itself in the long run, making new friends, keeping a check on your reality and facing the same without fear or boundaries.
Controlling your world, so you’ll feel better as time goes by, without depending on drugs or alcohol, without other ill feelings of morose. You can also check us out at http://mhcd.org/blog
Written by Donald S.