Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Suicide

I am writing concerning a blog I read on Mental Health Research. It was a blog about the suicide of the Denver Broncos wide receiver. That had me thinking about all the suicide I knew about in my life time. Including the latest back east with a guy who committed suicide, because his roommate took pictures of him having sex with another man. I have a theory about these suicides lately and in the past. All these people who commit suicide seem to me young. To me they lack experience with hope and internal stigma. I will give a couple of examples: As I have said in earlier blogs, I was at the state hospital. While I was there they moved me to another ward, and that night I was out on the porch having a cigarette, when this young man asked me “ have you ever worked at a job” I told him yes I had, he said “ I never had” I thought that was strange and I did not know him. Although if he would have told me his name. I would have talked to him, because on another ward they had asked if I had met and knew this person. Well that night this young man hung himself. I later found out it was because of something brought up about him in therapy called gaming group. I was in this same group after he died. They brought up a lot of imaginary things about me that were what ifs. I know how he felt. Although I will always think what if he told me his name and we talked would that have changed things? Could we have fought together in that gaming group? What they brought up in that group is the same thing the others in the group also did. Why pick on someone else because they cannot handle it. I met his dad ten years later and he is a marine veteran. I have told him what happened and how I felt. Another young man that committed suicide at a young age was my cousin. He had a mental illness like me. I met him grown up when my aunt died. Who was his grandmother, after I was released from the state hospital. He was also released from the state hospital in the state of Oregon. They told him if he messed up and went back to the state hospital he would never get out again. Instead of going back for the rest of his life, he hung himself. Were they trying to use reverse psychology on him? I will never know, although it took a life. Why do I say internal stigma? My breakdown happened in prison. As I have said all my friends were still supporting me. When the doctor asked where I wanted to go after the breakdown, I said here behind the walls. You see my friends still believed in me, but I did not believe in myself or understand what had happened. I was a different person even behind the walls and when I was released. I think these young men just lack the hope that things will get better, and the experience of seeing things in the past get better. I will remember my cousin and that young man in the state hospital for the rest of my life. Do you think they also commit suicide because of young age?

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