Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Do you know if Recovery Happens?

I was remembering last night about my stay in the State Hospital. And wondering if a person knows when recovery is starting to happen. I had been at the State Hospital about three weeks in the first ward there. I was not completely sane at the time yet, but close. They were walking me over to the next ward I was going to be in for a while at nighttime. I asked the guy walking me over and whom I talked to at the old ward, what the new ward was like. He told me “there are guys just like you there.” On this new ward I was half sane there in the beginning before they gave me stellazine. That is the ward I wrote about it the suicide blog, where they asked me if I knew this kid who had been there before me. I told them I did not know him. While I was there I made a telephone call to my Aunt in Oregon. I told her in one of our conversations that I was tired of being locked up. She told me “this will be your last time.” I did not know how she knew or if she was just making me feel better. Although with all the time on my hands, I started thinking about life and where I was at. The State Hospital was a new and scary place to me. I kept writing by aunt even when she could not write me back. I wrote to her when I was released and in my own apartment finally. One night, which also happen to me the night my Aunt died. I went to a local bar that I frequent before I was sentenced to the State Hospital. I had a seven up and sat with an old drinking buddy. After a while, I just said goodbye and left the bar. Walking home I was thinking, I would not be back even to drink seven up. It was just not the same and held no appeal for me anymore. The next morning they told me my Aunt had died. I will always wonder if she knew.

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