Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Life in Recovery

It is hard to tell someone not doing well that things will get better.  When you do not have a job or a way to pay bills and you tell them hang in it will get better.  I’ve been on the down side of life before.  I know it is hard.  I was once facing twenty four years in prison.  I did not take a deal.  I was in trial and just before lunch the prosecutor said he was going to put a witness on the stand in a case that I had already did time for.  I went to a fast food restaurant for lunch but my mind was not on anything but my trial.  There was a server that told me hi and don’t I remember her.  I could not my mind was not there.  
When I was back in the car, I remembered who she was I knew her for years how did I not remember her in the restaurant.  I know now what worry can do to the mind.  Well I went back to court and we went in the judge’s chambers and my lawyers had worked during lunch.  The judge was not going to allow that witness to testify because we would have to retry the other case as well as this one.  Although she said she was not going to allow me to use the provocation law.  Of course I was acquitted on one count and found guilty on the other where she would not give me the law.
Maybe I smiled to fast when they said guilty, because I knew that on appeal I would win.  The judge would not give me an appeal bond and I did two years before I won my appeal.  That is where and when I had my first bout of mental illness I prison.  I have been down before.  It is not forever.  I knew in prison I would have to do some time although I also knew that once my case was heard I would be out.  I have always had hope.  That is a key to recovery that things will get better.
Another thing in recovery is time.  I know that this one is hard even for me.  People say I need a fast fix I do not have ten years to read positive books and wait for change.  What are you doing in those ten years?  Would it not be better to do something than nothing?  I know when I was in the state hospital; I did not want to hear it takes five years.  There are groups there and there is A.A. and you have to build a foundation that will not blow away like straw. I can say my medication works very well.  I read for some it does not and I feel for them people when I have it so easy.
I did the work in A.A. and I do not miss drinking or want it.  I can go into a bar and not want to drink I have done this and I did not want it.  I went once to a bar and it was my first time back in a bar and my last.  I had to do it to prove to myself that I would not drink again and that it would be my last time ever going to jail or anything because of alcohol.  I would not recommend this I just had to find out. In April I will have twenty three years of sobriety.  I would not for the life of me exchange it for a drink.
I know life can be hard although you have to look at what you have to be happy for.  My grandkid succeeding where I did not even though I was smart I took the wrong road.  I could have had a lot more material things by now if I would have went to high school or college.  Although I do not know if that would have prepared me for my breakdown or my eventual recovery that is where I can help my grandkids succeed in life through experiences when life gets tough.  Another key to recovery is you do not have to take everything a person says to recover.  If you take one thing from a lot of different people and can form your own recovery.  Everyone is different and not everything works for everyone.

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