Capabilities and Trust

I was sitting at the desk in the office at work. The supervisor ask me to do something I had never done before, and having only read parts of the book I carried with me, changing the scripts of numbers from one power to another became frustrating.
I began to feel incapable; and for a dual diagnosed person such as myself, that can be destructive in a sort of way; you might crawl back into a corner, or walk away very fast. I sat at the desk for a long while thumbing pages and feeling very little. I could find no one to help, and I was on my own.
A day later my supervisor left town. The question was not answered, still unconcieved was an answer, yet I felt less stress for the moment and had gained more time. It’s not that there was a deadline; no, my supervisor in essence wanted to know if I could be creative, and did I learn when I said I was learning.
Being capable of (1) solving a problem and (2) maintaining strength is like a ‘Herculean’ movie’; to a dually-diagnosed person such as myself. I know what I can do; I fear what I can’t and that’s when relapse occurs, that’s when the smile weakens.
I learned this about myself and promised myself that if I could answer this mathematical question, I would be a lot stronger a person and accept that I have other weakness to change. I answered his question and solved a problem that I did not know existed; my own capabilities and what I have to do to change and maintain trust.
“If error is corrected whenever it is recognized as such, the path of error is the path of truth.”
Hans Reichenbach

Written by Donald Sammons
April 25, 2010