Monday, November 14, 2011

Living with Recovery in Mind

I sat around the apartment for two days, pacing the floors, washing dishes, drinking sodas and sleeping. Why? I couldn’t find a topic for this week’s blog. I am not a doctor, or a policy maker of any sorts and I am not a party player. So what I suddenly see in my life is independence, becoming free of my responsibility, my obligation, my respect. These are symptoms of my manic phase and I am ready to quit and run for some other distant place. My mind had grown tired of the routine I was living and I didn’t want to do anything but prove to the crowds I had run with that I can be my “old self”, in other words I was losing touch with the space I had created which gave me freedom and peace.
I rested for a while thinking, “why would I want to destroy my well being”, after coming this far without relapsing, or backsliding on my responsibilities, what is so important that I would want to live as I had in the past, without understanding, without security. I began to understand many people run into the “wall” of despair, which causes disorientation, even failure, which are ready to surrender because they don’t have the stamina or motivation to continue on, in their endeavors. There are people in very well paying jobs, who have given up because the pressure was just too much, husbands, wives even children have become attached to that “wall”. I understood that because I have an obligation that demands my understanding and the knowledge of others, I was ready to “thumb the road”
This is not the wind of Recovery, which is facing your illness and downfalls and placing yourself in the hands of others who can guide you with reassurance, out of such turmoil. What I saw was a part of me judging myself through the words of others, and their ideas when I was at my weakest. Pulling myself through, was a matter of a pencil and the strength to face my problem, with reason, without going beyond the veil of ignorance, denying myself as I had done in the past and jeopardizing my mental health, well being and belief in others who have held their hand out to me.
Written by Donald Sammons

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