What is the right way?

Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in. I believe in my case double. The reason is I am a paranoid schizophrenic, for that reason if I fear something. I have to double check that the fear is legitimate; I also believe you have to face your fear to conquer it. The spot I am in today is that I have to fight for what I believe is right. I have a legal battle going on with my apartment building management. The owners are three lawyers and their agent has a lawyer. I only talked to a couple of lawyers and they told me I have a good case. I cannot have fear; I have to go on if I lose the worse that can happen is that I have to move. I have no problem with that, because I am waiting for the case to be over. That way I can move to a better place anyway hopefully to a bigger place and one that has a pool for the grandchildren. If I win hopefully I can show people in my building that you can fight for the things you want and believe in. The case does not come to trial till the end of April. To me it is a matter of principle, besides the money. I had to decide a question do I stand up, let someone else or see if the problem will disappear?

Living in Fear

Hiding yourself from the many sights and sounds of your own mind; the city, loved ones, the mirror of dreams, is only one way to say you fear. Turning away from people who may only want to say “good morning” is all so negative as well, and again we lived a moment of weakness.
I have been in Recovery for over fourteen years. As a drug addict, “junkie” for twenty-five years I lived in fear, without respect, without honor. I have no one I can relate to in the real-world and most of all, I have no true friends. Fear has been the gardener of my shallow and unnurtured mind, and seemingly when I believe someone will accept me as being someone and doesn’t, I turn to darkness and begin relapse, feeling as if I were dumped. My life becomes shallow again; was it something you heard me say? Fear!
I am a bit stronger these days—I don’t care about drowning and laughing at the same time any more from inside a bottle or from inside a baggy. My smile is for you—HELLO! If I don’t feel accepted, I know there’s no reason to be afraid that I may have said the wrong thing, or wore the wrong color shirt; I had to learn from psychiatric therapy, not to think what I want a person to say in response to me—OUCH! Where is my mind? Fear causes the butterflies in the stomach—it’s the illusion we all need to let go of in the real world and do what we need to do—go where we want to go and once we get there—HELLO will be easy and you will find fear is not your enemy, but that extra oomph to walk with a genuine smile.
Healing is a matter of time
But it is sometime also
A matter of opportunity
Hippocrates 460—400 BC
Written by Donald Sammons
February 20, 2010

*Quotation from Hippocrates 460-400BC and some excerpts on fear are from the book
“YOU CAN’T AFFORD THE LUXUARY OF A NEGATIVE THOUGHT” by John-Roger and Peter McWilliams

Family

I am writing this for a couple of reasons. My family is my main support system and also my grandfather recently passed away. It happened last Thursday, on his 87th birthday. I did not realize how much he loved birthdays and parties until I thought about it. As I said in an earlier blog titled “Paranoid Schizophrenic” how I was insane and ended up in the state hospital. Before I went to the state hospital, I was waiting in jail still insane as they gave me no medication. My grandfather came to see me for my birthday and other times. Although I remember my birthday there because when I am insane I do not talk. So I just listened to him and thought crazy thoughts. All my family never forgot and supported me through all I ever went through. I can never fully repay them in any form. They were there even when told to let me go and sink or swim by myself. I really would not be where I am today without them. They were there to lean on when times were good and times were bad. While we were waiting, because we knew my grandfather was dying, my cousins and an uncle came to visit him before he died. I had not seen one cousin since I was eighteen and lived in Portland, Oregon. The other cousins live in Washington State. One cousin wrote to me when I was in the state hospital and I met her and her son for the first time. Life is short and when family lives far away, you hardly see each other over the years. I know my grandfather is in a better place and not in pain anymore. I must head back to Portland in a couple of years to see how it has changed. One of my favorite songs from the 70s is the O’jays “Family Reunion” it reminds me of an Aunt who used to have barbecues in the park for the whole family. I will always remember all our family reunions. Will you?

Motivation

Motivation has a color within the eyes, gray; cold blue and dark is being without its direction. Having a reason for doing something, it is as sunlight, clear and forever crossing the universe. Some people lose their way, crossing into the storm before clear skies the turmoil changing the way they began to build their reality.
Depression, Anxiety, Schizophrenia to name a few of the maladies which have become mortal enemies to the life and endeavors of people who once thought they could lift the mountains beyond the seas can be slowly relinquished. Motivation becomes blue as the sky, as we seek through reason to carry on, forward to greater endeavors. Yet, often we sit and think, then lose thoughts, eventually hope of sailing beyond the storm which has invaded our minds. Many of us turn to drugs, alcohol, degrading ourselves in public, losing the last vestiges of wealth in belief we can become something we are not; life becomes insanity.
At MHCD, many have crossed that threshold, and have begun to return to face life without fear or mental instability, holding on to something newer than the cold gray blue dark pessimisms of life or ideas of rejection or a narcotized dream. Recovery begins with acceptance and reason, the attitudes which lead to what you can believe and what you can see and tell yourself, defining what you have experienced as the therapist gives you the building blocks to begin putting your life together with part of that new ship to cross the seas.
Though some of us make use of medications, with which to stand, this doesn’t mean we are apt to forever fail; we only cross the barriers much more slowly, gathering momentum with our hope for only one reason, to understand in what we believe and with determination.
I must act
Ideas are borne silently
Rain falls quietly

Written by
Donald Sammons
February 14, 2010

Music

It is something I like for various reasons. I mostly listen to 70s music R&B and old rock and pop rock. Although I like all music, I even listen to some of my granddaughter’s music. Like Demi Lovato, whom I took my granddaughter to her concert. Music helps me in various ways. When I have a problem, I do not want to watch TV, comedy or other show. I would rather put on some music and think. Same way when I’m angry, it soothes me. When I’m not listening to audio books on the way to work, I will listen to music. All races of people have a form of music. Most music has a message sad, or happy. Why do you listen to music? Does it help with mental distress of do you just like music?

Through Dedication we are Heroes

I am entering the office where I work at, when I was shaken to find someone sitting at my desk. The first thing I thought was I have been sent to the moon, then the second thing I thought was that I was being replaced, by a young woman who looked as if she was about to climb Mount Everest. I really didn’t know what to think and after that and several days later I was able to manage some words and live in fear; yet she turned out to be somewhat a very nice person. She was going to college for computer programming and by her conversation was maintaining a very good average in her studies, she had lost her child in a car accident some time before and through her conversation I could tell she dwelt on that a lot; she was also working here with our team, where I work with several other people who are also so very intelligent only temporarily while still attending school. I felt kind of lowly because she displayed something I had never witnessed, it’s called dedication. Her allegiance to what she was striving toward was to me phenomenal, and she new what she was talking about when it came to computers, and though she was not as hard core a computer programmer as my co-worker, she gave me a bit more enthusiasm and zeal towards wanting to become a better Evaluation and Research Assistant than what I thought I was being. Dedication makes heroes. It builds consistency within people and esteem within when you understand those who are working hard toward their goals with the hardships that they have faced. I at one time began letting my self down and had lost my self-esteem and gave away my single mindedness, my inner devotion because of a hardship; yet slowly I crept back into the world and to watch this young woman with all that she had to carry , the death, the pain, the willingness to survive and maintain her stature in college and at work made me feel as if I could shower her with gratitude for being my hero for a moment and showing me that life can go on, through any obstacle and that we are all heroes as long as we keep faith.
Written by Donald Sammons
02/08/2010

Determined to become

Determination is that which happens in every human involving all our choices, determined by the past of which our freedom of choice may seemingly be only an illusion. Determination dictates that every one of our choices as well as our decisions which we have is with a purpose because of the past, and the consequences are a part of our free will. All of our choices result from nature and these being decisions, a part of our motives.
In seeking recovery, you must possess determination. A person must be unyielding and have a purpose, believe; one being, to become wholesome and stable minded. We cannot be intent on sitting on the corner anymore or waiting for the sunrise to set. We have to learn to decide without any hesitation and face the world, whether we are accepted or not.
Where in our weakness we feared, we must become strong, through hope, with faith, remaining constant with the idea that newer associations and caring people, who can trust us with their ideas, can help us become new, in our belief that we can move onward in the world, without destitution, beyond our disabilities, or our addictions.Written by Donald S. 02/02/2010

Medication

There are a few reasons why I take medication for my mental distress. I wrote in last week’s blog that I took Moban and Kemidrin for side effects. One of the side effects when I took these medications was that when I drank coffee it brought on my psychosis. It only happened when I had more than two cups a day. Back then I liked more than two cups a day. I did not like being psychotic, because to me it was hell. I mean when I was psychotic I could not control me. I hate not being in control of myself. I quit coffee; I believe it was harder to quit coffee than cigarettes. I would rather give up something than be psychotic. Another reason I take medication is one time they lowered my medication too much. I went to bingo and drank coffee and blacked out what I did with my money and the whole night. It really scared me, that is one reason I work on my memory so much, because I hate forgetting something and blacking out when I am sober. They say schizophrenics have bad memories. I do not believe I do because when I have a problem that requires remembering events I can. Those are the reasons I take medication. As I wrote in an earlier blog, called My Recovery, I am now on 80mg of Geodon. I can now drink coffee, although it is not the same. I just have two cups in the morning even though I could drink more. For me being psychotic was hell and I do not want to go back there ever. The people that could do with out medication, I applaud them. Which do you choose medication or not?