Mental Illness

I am pretty lucky as I read what others with schizophrenia go through.  My symptoms do not bother me.  I would know because they used to bother me when I drank coffee on Moban.  I had to stop drinking coffee and I really loved it.  Now that I am on Geodon I can drink coffee although I do not drink it like I used to.  Now I drink two cups and that is enough for me.  If I could of did that on the Moban I would have not had to quit.  Although back then I could not stop at two cups.  That is not the only difference.

You cannot tell that I have a mental illness because I work eight hours a day.  It does not bother me in the slightest way.  I do not have symptoms in which my mind is racing or any other ones that usually people with schizophrenia have that prevent them from working and interacting with people.  Taking medication is not a problem either.  That is one thing that I can thank the state hospital in teaching us to always take our medicine.  Also on schedule and now I only have to take it once a day.  It is usually taken with my meal or if I would like to stay up later as it makes me sleepy a couple of hours after I take it.
If I want to stay up or I am visiting someone and do not take it with my dinner.  I can always take it with a banana or yogurt.  This illness does not really bother me.  It is just the stigma that does.  People find out you have a mental illness and they treat you different.  That gets me angry.  How do they know that I am inferior without knowing my life and how I handle myself and deal with everyday life? This is kind of an invisible disease unless you act out or talk to yourself and a lot of people do that are not mentally ill no one would know that you have this disease.
I do not like the symptoms of mental illness that is why I always watch myself and make sure I take my medicine.  I have taken care of my grandchildren since they were little babies.  Now that they are older they do not come over but once a month.  I miss having them every weekend but they are growing up and do things with kids their own age now.  I never talk to them about my mental illness although I am sure they know about it.  Although I have never shown them symptoms of mental illness and hope they never have to deal with this disease.
No one knows where this disease started with me or anyone else.  No one in my family had this disease before.  I do know the alcohol and drugs I did had something to do with it.  If I can keep my grandchildren away from drugs then I have confidence that this will not happen to them.  They are good kids and smart.

When am I Real

I have been dreaming of being a purposeful individual not only in the work place, yet also at home.  What I am meaning is that I want to see myself as useful and responsible at the same time, without failure being by my side.  This at times is hard to conceive, having a dual diagnosis while struggling to maintain sobriety.  I was asked just recently by someone that I know, if I heard voices?  This question about my mental illness threw me for a loop I then ceased thinking about work, confusion began to rear its head and I began to think negative thoughts about myself.  I thought will I begin to become judged because I have symptoms which may show themselves, am I not being quote “normal” or will I be shunned because people are seeing me as a mentally ill employee.  It’s strange what the human mind conceives of itself when you feel fear or jeopardy towards your wellbeing, only time can answer when you seek answers from the right people.  I work for a mental health center, so I should understand about how my symptoms affect those I work with and those I associate with outside of the work place.  I mentioned, fear as one of my symptoms, which is easy to associate with paranoia; and being such close relatives, both fear and paranoia, I have to walk quietly and pay attention to what is going on through my mind so as not to embarrass myself or others I may be feeling fearful of.  I have to deal with internal dialogue “which comes from the dialogical self, which is a description of the minds ability to imagine different places of participants in an internal dialogue.  There are two concepts self and dialogue which extend to self conflicts, self criticism, self agreements and self consultancy.”

Dialogical self - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 I talked to myself within, I talked to myself out loud, at a whisper mind you and I spend time at night verbalizing in silence, or writing to keep the barrier of other voices which once plagued me years ago.  I have had to overcome to affectation of voices I would hear at night, and the mixed messages which caused me to see myself as not an positive person; yet I had to realize this problem I was having on my own.  Associating with fellow employees or loved ones with such problems besetting the mind can be upsetting, so dealing with the problem alone was one way, understanding my therapist and realizing fear is not paranoia, and that internal dialogue is not disastrous and can be helpful is a step in the right direction in overcoming the hallucinations of speech and responding to speech which does not exist.  In all, knowing one plus one helps, knowing also that there is someone with whom you can confide in is a plus also when you are not visiting your therapist and going over the fine points of the problems you may be suffering from. 

Written by Donald S.

Schizophrenia

That is what this disease is called.  When I first was told that I had schizophrenia I did not even know what it that word meant.  I was confused first from coming from my delusion and not knowing where I was at.  I was at the state hospital in Pueblo.  They gave me Haldol and that helped but it also cramped my face up.  They had to discontinue it.  They sent me to another ward where I was told there were people like my there.  There were but I was still in psychosis.  Until they gave me stelazine in which it made my arms shake.

Although I started coming out of the delusions and wondering where I was at and not understanding that the Judge had said one day to life.  I was wondering how I had got myself it to this mess.  Trying to understand what the other people there were saying and not knowing that my case was different than some of them.  They moved me again.  This ward was better but I still did not understand that I had a mental illness and what it meant.  I talked the psychiatrist into taking me off the medication because it made my arms and hands shake.
It took about two months and they moved me again and I was on this ward for about a week when someone died.  If only I would have understood the night I talked to him what he was saying and why I would have talked to him and told him it was not bad and how to take care of those that were bothering him.  You do not know what is going through someone’s mind.  I have since found out that I knew this guy’s uncle and met his dad where I used to live.  I still talk as if I came from Pueblo.  Even though I grew up in Denver because that was the last place I lived and when I came back  I did not talk to my old friends and so I still talk like the last place I was at.
I had a psychotic episode well I was at this ward and that finally made me understand that I had a mental illness and instead of it being bad I could use this to change my life around.  I had already seen people there who did not follow rules and not want to change their life around be there for ten years or longer.  I was already tired of being locked up my daughter was getting older.  I saw a chance to change my life and when someone asked what I wanted to do with my life I said I wanted to learn computers and go back to college.  They helped my learn typing and computers well I studied for and applied to college.
It wasn’t my first breakdown I had a mental episode in prison that I did not understand I just thought when my appeal was won things would go back to normal.  Stress did not allow that.  For me besides the five years I lost in the state hospital I really came out pretty good.  I was able to go back to college and get my Masters.  I work and I have my grandkids and daughter in my life besides my family that has stuck by me throughout prison and the state hospital.  People do not usually get a chance to turn their whole life around.  Usually if you want to change and stay out of prison there is no chance except to become homeless and live a life of drinking.  You do not get a program to rehabilitate you and help you succeed.

Having a New Thought

“They grew tissue called neuroectoderm – the layer of cells in the embryo from which all components of the brain and nervous system develop.  Fragments of this tissue were then embedded in a scaffold and put into a spinning bioreactor – a system that circulates oxygen and nutrients to allow them to grow into cerebral organoids.  After a month, the fragments had organized themselves into primitive structures that could be recognized as developing brain regions such as retina, choroid plexus and cerebral cortex, the researchers explained in a telephone briefing.”

Scientistsgrow 'mini human brains' from stem cells

Recently an editorial was published in MSN News relating to stem cell research and the growing of brain tissue.  Researchers in Austria have succeeded in doing, growing cerebral – organoids or mini-brains.  I chuckled at first, thinking this was some sort of joke, yet as I read on, I found out that there must be some truth to this.  There were no aforementioned negatives about the subject, no protest of “man Pretending he is god”, only the speculation of what can be done with this research into brain tissue development.  What I did not understand is what was meant by, “development of brain tissue in three dimensions.”  The research scientist have already begun researching with a new biological model of how a rare brain condition develops and are even now speculating on models for autism, schizophrenia and depression, which as we know are mental disorders, which affect millions of people worldwide.  I stopped reading for a while to look at pictographs of the human brain as well as various cross-sectional photographs and sketches of the human retina.  I thought as I turned pages and read definitions that I may not be a genius, but I am complicated.

I am neither saddened or glad about such an interesting discovery, though I find myself wondering if this may lead to a future of transplants where damaged sections of the human brain can be grown and implanted to help those especially who are schizophrenic, even such those who suffer from trauma.  Science is reaching a new high and it must be respected, though somewhat costly, leaves us with new lives which will be spared pain and confusion from even such a brain tissue implant and research which is coupled with it.

The researchers were not all speculating on generating an entire brain, yet their goal is to analyze the development of human brain tissue and create a system they can use to transfer knowledge from animal models to human.  “The human brain is the most complex thing in the known universe…both between its numerous subdivisions and the body in general,” said Dean Burnett, lecturer in Psychiatry at Cardiff University.  “Saying you can replicate the workings of the brain with some tissue in a dish in the lab is like inventing the first abacus and saying you can use it to run the latest version of Microsoft Windows…”

Written by Donald S

Meditation: another level to recovery

Mindfulness meditation is the art of being aware of what you’re sensing and feeling at every moment, without interpretation or judgment.  Meditation can help you direct your attention away from negative thinking and meditation exercises can reduce stress, anxiety and depression as well as help you with bi-polar illness and lessen negative thinking and destruction and improve your mood.  Pay attention, listen closely, and think of meaning and uniqueness. Work towards a way to develop a habit of understanding other people and delay your own judgments and criticisms.  You can make the familiar things in life new again by identifying new details in the objects you haven’t paid attention to.  Sit in a quiet place and focus on your breathing, feel your breath moving in and out of you.  Let your awareness of everything else fall away from you and don’t judge yourself.  Remember you’re not trying to become anything, only to be aware of what surrounds you by every breath you take.  Meditation is the practice of concentration and focus upon a sound, an object, breath, or movement itself, in order to increase awareness of the present moment.  Meditation reduces stress, helps on relaxation and enhances both personal and spiritual growth.  You’ benefit from meditation if you are with or without acute medical illness or stress.

MeditationMental Health - Project Meditation

As meditation is a training of the mind, you can say it is similar to a training of the body.  The combination of therapy and medication is a great part of recovering from a mental illness.  There are methods other than therapy and medications which can help you on your road to recovery and these methods of self-discovery can help you to get in touch with your mind, body and soul, giving you the ability to gain control over your recovery.  Meditation is a mindfulness practice which helps you to relax and become present in the moment you exist.  There are many meditation techniques which can work with one another.  Sitting quietly is form of meditation of which you can do for up to 5 minutes or many hours depending on the time you have.  Meditation takes practice and retraining your mind doesn’t happen in an instance, yet practicing once a day or a few times a week, you’ll find it’s easier to being to understand the frame of mind you are seeking.

Written by Donald S

Smoking, Diabetes Linked to Natural Deaths in Schizophrenia Patients

That is the title of this article I am writing this blog about. “Smoking is one of the top natural causes of death in patients with schizophrenia, according to a new study.  Researchers found that schizophrenia patients were 4.7 times more likely to die within the 6.2 years of follow-up if they were smokers.” They do not say how much they smoke.  I used to smoke one and a half packs a day.  I was coughing in the elevator one day and this guy said you smoke and I said yea he said you’re not going to make it to fifty.  That is not the reason I quit.  My ex-wife was supposed to quit because my granddaughter was born and was going to live with her.
I quit because I wanted my granddaughter to be able to come and visit me.  I went to the doctor and he prescribed wellbutrin.  My friend sent me a list of the side effects from this medication and darn if I did not have all the side effects.  My mouth and tongue tasted awful.  After a month of this the doctor gave me another prescription although I did not fill it.  I had already quit and it has been fifteen years.  I was skinny and spent all my money on cigarettes not on food.  “But in half the patients with immune conditions, diabetes was also a leading cause of death.  Nearly one third of patients with schizophrenia also had urinary infections.  These findings underscore the life-shortening effects of smoking in this population and the urgent need to more vigorously promote smoking cessation, said study author Faith Dickerson of the Sheppard Pratt Health System, Baltimore.” I do not want diabetes that is why I walk every day.
I have not lost any more weight because I do the same walking every day.  If I do extra like on Saturday and Sunday I work out on the treadmill.  I would keep gaining.  I also watch what I eat.  I do as I have said before I want to be there when my youngest grandson grows up.  I want to make sure they are ok before I die. “Of 517 participants in the study, six died of unnatural causes and 25 died of natural causes, primarily heart-related conditions.  Other natural causes were respiratory, neoplastic, infectious, blood disease, and mental (delirium, in one patient).” I am going to keep working out even if I get no results.
The article goes on to say: “Problems concerning the immune system were found in 20 percent of patients who died compared to 4.7 percent of those who did not- raising the risk of death to a significant 4.5-fold increase.  The most common immunologic condition was insulin-dependent diabetes, found in 16 to 33 patients with such conditions. Cardiovascular problems were most common in survivors as well as in patients who died, and were tied to a 2.5-fold increased mortality risk. Finally, genitourinary conditions, particularly urinary tract infections, were found in 32 percent of patients who died, compared with 8.6 percent of those who survived – a 4.35-fold increased mortality risk.  It is of note that urinary tract infections have been found to be highly prevalent in persons with acute psychotic symptoms, said the researchers.” Diabetes most of us get it from taking the medication. It is good to take walks or any kind of exercise to not get it. Even if you do not have grandkids it is worth it to enjoy life without a disease.  Why suffer it is not so hard to take a walk when it is getting dark and cool to enjoy the day.

Grief

When someone dies; a person you loved or respected intensely, you may become faced with grief of such a loss many times over—even later on in life, being years afterwards.  These feelings of grief might return on a certain special day, the day this person passed away, a birthday or any particular day you shared with this loved on which may be special.  Such feelings of grief are reflections that this person of whom has passed away from this life has left to you and remain important to you.  As I have experienced the passing of someone important and loving to me, I know that after 10 years since their death, I am still having moments of grief and that have not fully healed nor do I cope fully with such a loss.  I have reminders which exist in everyday life, and as anyone else, these reminders can be of sight, taste, sound and even smells, which can set you into a mode of grief.  This could exist for anyone whom has past, a “ghost” as you might have it, of an adult or even child of who has passed from this life.  Memories can be very intense when it comes to the loss of a loved one.  Celebrations of a myriad of sorts may cause the grieving process to surface, if you have shared memorable times with the person of which you grieve.  During these moments of resurfacing grief you may experience, sadness, loneliness, anger anxiety of fatigue; these memories are very powerful as feelings of your loved ones passing. http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/grief-and-loss/grief-and-loss/

Dealing with grief is a complicated chore, a challenge to speak of and in this process you are recovering the pieces and healing the wounds so you can carry on with your life without the feelings of any betrayal, because the feelings and emotions you once shared with the person who has passed away still exist, though they do not.  There are many emotions that overcome the living of those which have passed from this life, even if the survivors knew that death was imminent.  The loss of a loved one can drain your energy and cause confusion and disorganization.  You cannot override the pain, but you can cope with the grief by; knowing that grief and mourning is natural and that respecting such is expressing how you feel and realizing you have an inner loss and an empty feeling about your loved ones passing.  Know your pain and accept the pain you feel, it’s a part of grieving.  Search for support; being alone sometimes is fine, yet understand that isolation is wrong.  Don’t make decisions which may be important while you are grieving, the mind is curtained while you are grieving and if you must make important decisions find the help of someone close to you that can be trusted.  Most of all take care of yourself, your physical health is important even as you may be grieving.

Written by Donald S