You have to have Hope

I was sitting at home this last weekend watching a commercial about a cancer hospital. They said the hospital gives hope. It said to fight a disease like cancer you have to have hope. I wondered how many different times and diseases are there that you have to have hope? Victor Frankl had to have hope when he was locked up in a concentration camp. Hope is big and you need it in a lot of situations. I always know when things are not going well that I have to have hope that things will turn around. I believe people should not forget there is always hope. It must have been hard for Victor Frankl and all the men and women that were locked up in a concentration camp. It is harder than prison when you know you have not done anything wrong and you are locked up in horrible conditions. Victor Frankl tells the story of one man who had a dream that they were going to be released from the concentration camp. He even dreamed the day March 30th. He believed it, although as the day approached things were starting to get worse. It looked like they were not going to get released. On March 31st the man died of typhus. Victor Frankl believes he died because he lost hope. If he had hope would his body have fought the typhus? That is what Victor Frankl and this cancer hospital believes, if you have hope your body will feel it and fight a disease. Always have hope of a brighter day.

An Option of Circles

A circle is a circle. We live with such movements, though in lines from one point to another. No one is quite sure when their circle will end or begin, if they are making their debut into the world or into society. People, who face disorders of the Mental Health type, even of the physical health kind, one possibly leading to the other; often disdain from seeking the order of circles, lines and squares to alleviate any problems which may have arisen. There is no sense in such an existence, it’s all spontaneous, from tears, to laughter; even anger.
It’s when this all stops or never ends that many are classified as Mentally disabled; seeking the answer to any particular problem or even acceptance of one’s physical maladies.
I have days when I don’t want to be anywhere amongst the crowd even though the world is complacent. I would rather sleep and wake up knowing today is not spinning in a circle like yesterday, or hasn’t carried onto another day. I take medication especially for days like these and call a few friends for reassurance and advice, and then I walk a few more feet. The people I talk to are my strength when I am depleted, when my mind should care to sleep. Talking to my clinician is assuring, knowing I can trust him with the details when I begin to feel “under the hammer”.
Recovery is part of these dimensions, relying upon our own ability to see through the haze which will not let you believe you are free. Using certain tools you can weld to reconstruct and surpass the lines and circles you cannot measure such as, Cognitive Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. The logic is real in its simplicity it’s just a matter of believing.
Written by Donald Sammons

Social Security

I wrote about Social Security in a previous blog in which I had mentioned that when I started working. I had nothing but trouble with them. It worked out fine the first two months. I reported my income and the case manager I had did her job right and there were no problems. Then they informed me that I had a new case manager assigned to my case. It was nothing but trouble since then. I would send in my pay stubs monthly. One time I called her to ask if she had received them because nothing had changed. She mailed them back to me all glued together, I had to throw them away. Of course I had copies and I still have them to this day. The Social Security checks remained the same like I had not mailed in my pay stubs. I would come to find out later that she stuck them in the back of drawer and never looked at them. I had to go to the Social Security office every three months with pay stubs in hand to report even though I mailed them in. She never changed my income. I always hoped to see my case manager. I always saw the girl that sat next to her. They would straighten out my case. Then in three months, I would have to do it all over again. One time I went in for my appointment and they did not see me. After a half hour I said no I am not going to sit here for nothing. I went downstairs and called the national Social Security office on a pay phone. I told them I had been sitting there and my appointment time had passed by. They told me what to do and I went back upstairs and did what she told me. They finally saw me and told me I should have just waited and not left to call. I just left the pay stubs that time, because they said they were in a hurry. When I started working full time and permanently, I finally was able to meet my case manager. She told me I would no longer receive Social Security. They still sent two checks in July and August. I found out I would have to pay those back. I understood. Although they were trying to charge me more than those two months that I understood I would have to pay back. I went to Social Security the next day and filed an appeal against my case manager. Well I found out she no longer worked there and I had a new case manager. I waited for the appeal which never happened. I paid back the two months and I thought that would be the end of it. They told me I had a new account that I had to pay back. My new case manager said they could not find the appeal. By then I had moved to a new apartment across town. I had to go to a new Social Security office. When I asked for the papers to file another appeal, the person working there told me I would have to pay either way. It took more than two months, before they said I did not have to pay anything back. For me Social Security was nothing but trouble once I started working and lost my original case manager. I am finally happy that it is all over and do not want to do it over.

Medications

I am going to start talking about my recovery which started at the State Hospital. While I was there I was finally started on Moban and Kemidrin after a trial of other medications which had different side effects like making my arms and hands shake. They all had different side effects and the doctor was tired of trying new ones. He told me that when I was out on the porch smoking that I did not shake. I asked him if he could try one more time. He looked in his books and came up with those two medications. I could not have that because I already had a dream of rebuilding my life and starting over. I could not type with my arms shaking. I could not go for a job interview like that. By going to the State Hospital it gave me a chance to put away my old life and start a new one. I did not like the fact that I had mental illness it was and is the worst thing that ever happened to me. They tried to make me switch from caffeinated coffee to decaffeinated coffee. I did not like it. After finally getting out of the State hospital one night after drinking coffee, and having by mind start racing, and almost having my mental illness come back I decided to quit. It was one of the hardest things to quit. I had already quit smoking with the help of Wellbutrin, and the side effects from that made me stop taking it after thirty days. Quitting coffee made by body go through withdrawals also. I could not believe that it had made such a difference to my body. I am now on Geodon. It is a lot better. I can do a lot more including getting up earlier in the morning. By all means though it is not a miracle drug, if I miss taking it four hours later I will wake up cold and my body feeling weird. I automatically look to see if I took my medicine. I would never quit it cold turkey.

Overcoming Restlessness

You might have heard the phrase, “carrying baggage”, many times, in reference to having problems or holding and displaying anger. I know I have a pack mule at times that will not let me forget that I often need an attitude adjustment when I feel I can’t move amongst the crowd.Often we hear about ways we can alleviate some of our burdens, through exercise; working off the stress and anger, displacing the thoughts we are having by writing, painting, walking; yet has anyone ever told you that a good old fashion nap can clear your mind as well?Sleep is important, rest is beneficial. Mental Health disorders can disrupt sleep and a lot of people with especially anxiety disorders have trouble sleeping because of fear or tension. This causes us to carry baggage as well when the mind cannot rest, due to worries and apprehension. People who experience depression almost never seem to stop walking; having insomnia, having difficulty at falling asleep is as much a symptom. What do you do to get rid of this baggage?
(1) Add extra hours to your sleep
(2) Change your routine, nothing strenuous
(3) Go to sleep at the same time every day especially weekends, even earlier than usual
There are such attitudes you should not get in the habit of doing.
(1) Drinking coffee or alcohol or using illicit drugs; and
(2) Do not sleep with your TV, computer or telephone on, these take away from your personal space and the peace you want to have in order to rest your mind

Repaying your sleep debt Gather

Mental illness and sleep: A two way street Gather

Written by Donald Sammons

Medications

I am going to start talking about my recovery which started at the State Hospital. While I was there I was finally started on Moban and Kemidrin after a trial of other medications which had different side effects like making my arms and hands shake. They all had different side effects and the doctor was tired of trying new ones. He told me that when I was out on the porch smoking that I did not shake. I asked him if he could try one more time. He looked in his books and came up with that medication. I could not have that because I already had a dream of rebuilding my life and starting over. I could not type with my arms shaking. I could not go for a job interview like that. By going to the State Hospital it gave me a chance to put away my old life and start a new one. I did not like the fact that I had mental illness it was and is the worst thing that ever happened to me. They tried to make switch from caffeinated coffee to decaffeinated coffee. I did not like it. After finally getting out of the State hospital one night after drinking coffee, and having by mind start racing, and almost having my mental illness come back I decided to quit. It was one of the hardest things to quit. I had already quit smoking with the help of Wellbutrin, and the side effects from that made me stop taking it after thirty days. Quitting coffee made by body go through withdrawals also. I could not believe that it had made such a difference to my body. I am now on Geodon. It is a lot better. I can do a lot more including getting up earlier in the morning. By all means though it is not a miracle drug, if I miss taking it four hours later I will wake up cold and my body feeling weird. I automatically look to see if I took my medicine.

Using our Imagination

I sit at home a lot, enjoying what I have accumulated, it isn’t much, yet I have a chance to look at the world, listen to music, most of all read. Arts and crafts can be expensive, so I take my time, and chat with neighbors, take walks and try to enjoy every bit of life I can. A friend of mine offered to take me to a wildlife preserve, and I didn’t turn him down. It’s then I found out I am interested in nature and the outdoors and what makes the life of nature so enchanting to me.

To understand what you are all about by hiking, fishing, reading, crafts even theaters, you must know that something appeals to you. With an illness, of any kind, we lose our flavor for what brings us joy. A Beautiful Mind: Creativity and mental illness - Care2 News Network Whatever makes us happy, should be a safe and enjoyable challenge. We must understand that something we want to express, understand, create and strive to give to another part of the world through the same dedication we seek to recover to share and give in the pleasure that gladdens not only ourselves, yet others as well.

Experience is a positive reality, in which you can find happiness and pursuing happiness is freedom because you are enjoying life. As adults in Recovery we forget about being happy or how to “play” because we have become serious not only in our illness yet also in our move to become recovered. Imagination takes us to new heights’ and with imagination we must use it to nurture ourselves, so that we feel and understand our freedom from what ails us within. It’s a baptism in what we care to experience and believe of which we care to flow with and become a part of what we can create.

Written by Donald Sammons

Life Changes

Last week I wrote a blog about how I do not understand depression. I would like to clarify that statement. I know people have depression, although for me with all I have been through it is hard for me to get depressed. I have been told when I was at the State Hospital that I looked depressed some days. It did not last though because I had to always have known that someday that I would finally get out. It took forever though. I think what keeps me going though is hope and the knowledge that nothing last forever. I know that no matter what the situation is it will get better. I was once sentenced illegally to nine years in prison. I should have been allowed an appeal bond. That is where I first became mentally ill. I was thinking about that situation the other day. That Judge taught me a big lesson. I will not ever put myself in that situation again. I do not believe she meant for me to become mentally ill. After that I went to the State Hospital, because I was mentally ill. That was hard time and a very depressing place. The reason I say it was hard time is because you have a lot freedom that you would not have in prison. You wear street clothes, go for walks and you can even buy regular food from their restaurant. I would have rather did my time in prison. Because even though you had freedom you could not leave. Another reason it was so hard was when you did go for walks. You met people who would only be there for a week or a little longer. I had to stay a lot longer than that. I’ve been through so much that I know after a while it will change.

Remnants of the Past…

There’s an old shirt hanging in my closet…I used to party in. There’s an old coin in the dresser drawer, it was once a friend of mine. What do these have to do with sobriety or even Recovery? These objects represent ideas; memories of days gone by and in Recovery, even a person’s sobriety, you must be aware of what lays in the shadows of the mind. Objects represent ideas of themselves, and we give gifts, often with smiles, always with intent; and we carry them where we go for a period of time. The old ideas of my friendships with others continued to exist, not feeling saddened and with strength as I look upon the instances shared with them and the gifts I have received. We jeopardize ourselves at times without the most proper ideas or thoughts; as a result we linger within those dark corners, feeling ill hope, despair even anxiety. These are remnants too of the past, yet through Recovery, our motivation can become enhanced, our hope and strength replacing fear, which raises our optimism and builds a better way; while we accept change and become realistic…We are no longer waiting in the aisle ways isolated in the darkness of our pessimisms, we are building pride, instead of vacant thoughts; becoming molded with dignity to reach out into the world in which to share our hopes and aspirations’ through choice and Recovery. Written by…Donald Sammons